Hau'oli Makahiki Hou

At the end of every year people start to set goals, resolutions and buy gym memberships. Last year, I started the tradition with myself to choose words to focus on. Its amazing to look back at 2013 and see just how much of my year lined up with those words. Today I was reading an article and I realized that 2013 was going to be over as of midnight and I still hadn't chosen my words for 2014. As I was reading this article a few words jumped out at me.

I try not to choose more than three words because I feel that is too broad and doesn't leave room for focus. I also can't choose just one or two words because I want to have some range in what the year ahead will look like. The first word I scribbled down was ACCOUNTABILITY. I don't feel like looking at the last year was digging too far into the past as much as I feel like its important to look back honestly and reflect. Looking back over 2013 I feel like I made a lot of excuses. Excuses to pardon myself from goals I had put off and had no intention of pursuing. In choosing ACCOUNTABILITY...I choose to hold myself responsible for plans I make with my son, dates I set with friends, promises and goals I make for myself with NO EXCUSES as to why they aren't happening. 

The next word I scribbled and really look forward to meditating on is ACCEPTANCE. I have made leaps and bounds in 2013 regarding myself and others. In 2013 I attended an open casting call for a local designer whom I admire and look up to. Not only did she choose me as one of her runway models, but I'm going to be featured on her website as a model as well. WHO THE HELL WOULD HAVE SEEN THAT COMING!?!?!?! I didn't! I broke out of my own shell of discomfort and I rocked a bikini this past summer...unapologetically! So LIBERATING! As far as others go, I swallow my pride on a regular basis loving people through our differences....and that is not to toot my own horn as much as it is to say that we've grown! In 2014, I want to further ACCEPTANCE. I want a stronger sense of love for myself. I want to LOVE myself and every stretch mark, extra pound, developing wrinkle and other imperfection FIERCELY. I want to live in an acceptance that in all situations, rather than letting my emotions or ego get the best of me...that I can still move forward with my head held high, breathing in life deeply. I want to focus on loving and accepting people right where they're at....no ulterior motives, no alternate agendas...just walking in love.

Finally, I jotted down ENOUGH. I can't say I have lived a single day of my life feeling like I was ENOUGH. Why is that? Its upsetting to some extent and it should be! I embrace learning experiences and opportunities to grow. I condemn pressure to feel like I need to change in order to be accepted or loved. No one should have to feel like they have to meet the standards or rules that aren't truly there only to be told they have fallen short and don't meet the requirements for something as simple as acceptance. Acceptance should be the foundation, where we start, something to build on. Another degree of this ENOUGH is understanding myself to know when I have had enough...good or bad. To be able to stop & be still in any situation...simply take it all in without letting what is happening diminish me. I.AM.ENOUGH. 

As for my NYE plans...? I might take in a comedy show. I might go out and make stupid decisions. I might stay in gussied up, sippin' on wine til midnight...or until I pass out (which could be at 10PM). I don't really have a plan but what I do plan on...is being present, enjoying everyday of 2014...learning, growing & loving-myself, the people around me... and LIFE. Tomorrow is not guaranteed & with all that is uncertain, I am certain that I was put here to be the best possible version of myself and I intend on loving her with all I've got!

Hau'oli Makahiki Hou!

-R

Runway or Run Away?

I am not someone who likes to take chances (which is rapidly changing)...I like to know the outcome. I like to be prepared and I like to have a Plan B and Plan C should anything go wrong with Plan A. It all started with the first Tucson Fashion Week I attended a few years ago. I wanted to go for several reasons, some of which included- (1) I wanted to meet an artist I had just started to follow named Tanina Jackson & (2) I feel like sometimes Tucson just doesn't have awesome things like their own FASHION WEEK-so I had to go!

I brought two friends along with me and I remember one designer in particular named-Elizabeth. I had seen her running all over creation, I thought she was beautiful and then I remember being stunned when I realized she was one of the designers participating in Tucson Fashion Week. 

Fast forward to TODAY, well technically, about 2-3 months ago. I had started this new self love evolution...I was all about embracing everything I am, my strengths, my weaknesses, body acceptance, some really hard shit that I didn't really want to think about and then I came across an invite to an open casting call for runway models. Who is the designer you ask? ELIZABETH!!!!

I jumped at the opportunity to attend this casting call and sent in some pictures that, looking back, I wish I had taken more carefully! They weren't terrible but they also weren't very thought out. I received an email for the actual casting call date as well as the attire requirements. I was full of excitement and thrilled to be doing something so "out of the box" for myself. 

The week of the casting call I was like a teeter totter. One day I would coward away from the idea and the next I would slap myself silly for thinking of backing out. The day before the actual casting call I told myself this was it...I could regret not going for the rest of my life or I could stare that bitch named "Fear" in the face and do this thing for me and only me. I set up a make shift tripod using a chair & a box and I took my body shot pictures. I decided on the exact outfit I would wear, my hair and make up. I got my pictures developed and I arranged for my son to go with his Nana while Mommy did her "modeling job". 

**Side note: I almost cried because of the AMAZING support my little boy was giving me**

Deciding jewelry...

The morning of, I was on cloud nine but I was also very anxious. I told myself there was no turning back and the worst that could happen is I would fall on my face in front of everyone. That's not that bad right? So I started getting ready... Beyonce was BLARING in the background and I threw on every OUNCE of confidence I could find!

Hair Before & After....

Ready to conquer the WORLD!

I won't lie, once I dropped off my son, I seriously considered going home. To add to the desire to ditch it all, I was going to be early! Doubt was sinking in and I started to second guess what I was doing. Why was I doing this again? What made me think I could even show up to this? I looked in the mirror to check my make up and just then another car pulled in. I looked at the beautiful woman that stepped out and all the confidence came back. 

I am here because I want to be a part of a beautiful project and I wanted the honor of working with Elizabeth. But more importantly, I was here because I wanted to celebrate ME. I wanted to get out of my comfort zone and do something utterly terrifying yet incredibly liberating! I wanted to let my insecurities fall with every step I took in front of Elizabeth and her team. 

As I walked in to the dance studio where the casting call would take place I felt like I had already defeated my fears and I was experiencing something so beautiful on the inside...but the beauty of it all didn't end there. The ladies started to show up, a couple women (whom happen to be cousins) were sitting next to me and we started to chat. We shared our doubts and fears, we laughed and discussed how we had heard about Elizabeth among other amazing women of Tucson. I felt good...really good. 

The casting call started, I was on edge, trembling but confident in staying there. Elizabeth told the room we would walk and we were free to go or stay to watch everyone else. I had a sticker on my shirt that had the number 2 on it but it hadn't registered that I would be the second person to walk. My name was called and there was no turning back. I focused on walking, feeling the music, flashing a warm smile and NOT falling. I started my walk back to my spot on the wall and received applause...it felt AMAZING! I was done! I had done it! And all these beautiful women were showing me their support by applauding me! From then on, no one left, everyone clapped for their fellow woman...we hooted, we hollered and the room was FULL of love. 

One of the many beautiful women...

Group shot afterward!

Jes-The Militant Baker Blog Queen!

I was around so many beautiful women that day-I conquered a fear, I made friends and I was able to meet some of the local female bloggers I respect & admire. I felt like this is how life should be in general. Each woman owning her Queendom, wearing her crown of confidence everywhere she goes...celebrating, supporting and LOVING the women around her. 

We should be finding out soon whether or not any of us will working with Elizabeth! I'll post an update as soon as I find out!!! Either way, it was an honor to be around her and the rest of the women whom attended this casting call...and I did something I never thought I could ever do! 

-R

****UPDATE! As of today, August 14, 2013: I got the email! They chose me!!!! I'm beside myself in disbelief, proud I even attended the casting call and excited to rep Candy Strike and Elizabeth!!!!!!!****

Defining "Queendom"

Somewhere between my self-esteem issues and reading about what some women were doing in their own journeys (Definitely a blog post for later!), I decided it was time for a makeover. Not the type of makeover where I change my make-up, hair styles and outfits until I get sick of doing it but a makeover starting from the heart and working my way outward.

Rumor has it, because I refuse to do any type of yard work,  that the best way to get rid of a "weed" is at the root. I felt like a lot of my heart beliefs about myself and life were "weeds" rooted in my heart. Some of those issues were from events that happened in my childhood. I don't think I ever stopped to really question any of them, I just lived with these perceptions that became beliefs. 

For me, the heart isn't a stone where everything I have ever believed is etched in permanently. For me, my heart is more like a giant dry erase board where I have some beliefs that have been there a LONG time...and others have been put there more recently. One of those beliefs I recently added, is the belief in my Queendom.

The first time I ever heard the term "Queendom" I was watching "Dave Chappelle's Block Party" (Which I HIGHLY recommend, it has some great music!). The crew was shooting footage back stage where Jill Scott sat watching Erykah Badu's performance on a flat screen. Ms. Scott said the following:

"We all have our own thing...that's the magic. That everybody comes with their own sense of strength & their own Queendom. Mine could never compare to hers & hers could never compare to mine."

That sentence really stuck with me..."Mine could never compare to hers and hers could never compare to mine." I loved it! Queendom has been something I have been meditating on for quite some time now. Its something I want to continue to define, embrace and live for myself. It won't be for anyone other than myself. My Queendom is authentic, its personalized for me, its everything I am as well as everything I am not.

My Queendom is celebrating my strengths, accepting my weaknesses and loving it all FIERCELY. To sit back, breathe and look at WHO I am seems so foreign. I feel like I get into this auto-pilot style of living that I'm just going through the motions. I don't want to live that way, in fact, I don't feel like its living at all. I would never go back and change anything, where I am today came from those experiences. That being said, those experiences also contributed to my Queendom today. 

"My mission, should I choose to accept it, is to find peace with exactly who and what I am. To take pride in my thoughts, my appearance, my talents, my flaws and to stop this incessant worrying that I can’t be loved as I am."

- Anais Nin

My Queendom is intentional. My Queendom is breaking free from feeling like I need to be any different than who I am. My Queendom is taking time to discover all characteristics I possess, good and bad. My Queendom is body acceptance. My Queendom is spiritual & mental health. My Queendom is unconditional love. 

My Queendom is unwavering peace. My Queendom is open to learning. My Queendom is constantly striving to be the best version of myself. My Queendom is still developing and its definitely more than just confidence. I think confidence is a small, yet contributing characteristic. One thing I do know, without a doubt, is that this is the beginning of something very beautiful. 

-R

The "T-Shirt" Ban

About three weeks ago, I sat on the edge of my bed, staring blankly at the clothing rack in my room. This rack held every item of clothing (for the most part) that I owned. Frustration and anger started to boil within me and I had one single thought, "I hate everything!" 

I hated the items that were adorable yet I felt over dressed for wearing them, so there they hung, with the tags still attached. I hated the pants that press into my stomach and make me feel like biscuit dough popping out of the can. I hated the blouses that I felt made me appear to be a couple sizes bigger than I actually am-just to hide my stomach. As I stare, angry, I noticed one common piece that I had a love/hate relationship with... T-SHIRTS.

How had I become this collector of something so comfortable yet so diminishing? I love(d) t-shirts BUT I feel like I was hiding in them. I'm hiding love handles. I'm hiding my stomach, hips and thighs. I'm hiding that I feel less-than-sexy and pretending to be cute. I almost wanted to cry. How did I get here?

I decided I was done with self pity but I didn't know what to do. I decided a good place to start was to take every single t-shirt off the clothing rack. I laid each one out on my bed and I banned them. I would stop hiding behind a rainbow of comfortable t-shirts. I would stop feeling like just because I am a mother and carry more weight than I have in my life that I could be any less than fabulous. 

I wanted to scream...   

I AM A WOMAN DAMN IT

I have every right to feel glamorous, beautiful, sassy and fierce! I want to feel good when I leave the house. Even if I am an emotional wreck, I want to have something beautiful on. I want to strut in wedges. I want to rock large, bulky necklaces. (**Side note: Hair & make up are a whole other blog post!) I deserved and deserve this!

Fast forward to today! Its been three weeks and I have put together some seriously FUN outfits! I still feel a little uncomfortable but I also feel FABULOUS! I've taken pieces I would be too worried to pair and rocked them to work...I've even gotten compliments from coworkers saying, "You've been especially sassy lately, is there something we need to know?" 

Pfffft! As if a MAN had anything to do with my awesomeness!?! Pa-lease! This cuteness happened all by me! By my choice! 

My choice! My choice to stop being a comfy-t-shirt-wearing woman whom hid her insecurities and doubted herself more than she should. Not because I feel like my worth is tied up in how I look. My choice to wear something fabulous because I am a Queen and its time to OWN the Queendom. From the top of my head to the tips of my self-pedicured toes...I am embracing all that I am, celebrating myself & loving her fiercely. Yes there were blogs I had been reading and articles about feminism that helped spark this new sense of freedom, however, me being me-I wasn't going to change anything until I was ready. Damn it, I was...I am ready. This was the beginning of an evolution within me and it all started with a t-shirt ban. 

-R