30 Things I've Learned By The Time I Turned 30

I've thought about writing my son a letter to explain things it took me these last thirty years to learn(I do have a letter to him in a separate post I am working on). My hope, of course, would be to save him or try and prevent mistakes...How silly of me, right? I can only help shape him. How else do we learn? How else do we grow?

This list just seemed like something self reflective that I would enjoy putting into writing. Things for me are always changing, evolving & adjusting. I am always changing, evolving and adjusting...

I like to take time to think about what has recently happened since I spend so much time worrying about what is to come. There is little control in both mind spaces. One has already happened and cannot be changed while the other has yet to happen. Nonetheless, the self reflection is important to me. It keeps me humble. It allows me to celebrate growth and see where I am still learning to befriend parts of me I have been pushing away or ignoring.

Anyway, here is my list:

Sushi Date for One

1. Never stop dating...YOURSELF-the ultimate, regular practice of self love. I've learned to treat myself to little dates every now and again AND to not feel guilty or bad for doing something for myself. As a mother, I spend a lot of time planning, budgeting, cleaning and I do not owe an explanation to anyone for enjoying a moment for myself. Manicures, Pedicures, Solo Dinner Dates, Movies, Shopping, Coffee...whatever I'm feeling! 

My First Succulent Arrangement

2. Keep learning-Expand my horizons. Explore new hobbies. Growth to me is living, if I am not growing spiritually, physically, emotionally, mentally...I am dying(maybe a little extreme, but it is-what it is). I am definitely a woman of many skills and I drop interests as fast as I pick them up. Sometimes I am a little indifferent as to whether this is a good thing or a bad. I still enjoy the spark that comes with a new passion. The most recent passion I am in love with-Succulent Arrangements! 

3. Feed Every Part of Me on a Regular Basis-Balance is hard as it is. I juggle a lot as a parent and keeping balance is something I am still learning to maintain. Mind, body & soul are the trifecta to balance in my opinion. I can easily say I am lacking in all three areas currently. I'm learning to be mindful of what I feed myself as well. I do not allow myself to binge watch any form of TV and have started to build up a book list that I intend to make my way thru. I am learning to work on my relationship with food with the sole purpose to be healthy. Its all still a huge work in progress and I have more than my fair share of bad days but every day is a new opportunity to start fresh. 

Wisdom

4. Stop Apologizing for My Feelings-My feelings are valid. They may be a result of a misinterpretation or misunderstanding but they are valid nonetheless. I am allowed to feel disrespected, protective, violated and attacked. I am allowed to feel proud, vulnerable, overwhelmed and sexy. I am allowed to be emotional. I can feel all of these things and I do not have to apologize for them nor do I have to be "Little Miss Sunshine". 

5. Trust my Intuition-My gut is pretty smart....it might not be balanced right now but its definitely told me when to change the subject, when to choose respect and kindness over anger, when a date was no good and when to take chances. I feel I am too wise at this point to try and convince my gut otherwise when I know, deep down, that something doesn't work for me.

6. To Get Something I want, I have to do Something I've Never Done-The first time I've really thoroughly done this has been in the relationship I am in now. I know its so much more applicable and useful for other areas of my life but its truly worked in my relationship. Learning to really invest in what the end goal or bigger picture is has never paid off so well-I just need to apply this to other areas of my life I am working on now! 

7. Remember that I am Worthy of the Same Unconditional Love I Extend to My Circle-I have no problem talking up my girlfriends and guy friends. I can easily point out what I love about them. I do my best to show up for them when they need me and offer to be there for them when they are going thru something. Why this is not so easy to do for myself, is still a bit of a mystery but I am working on it! I know I see myself differently than anyone else will but I want to see myself and treat myself with the same unconditional love I extend to the people in my life.

8. Comparison is the Root of All Evil-We all do it but I'll speak for myself. There is a quote that says something along the lines of "Don't compare your first page with someone's final chapter". I do it all the time. I look at the highlight real of someone's life and instantly think I am ten years behind where I should be. I've been working on setting goals and removing the projected checklist of life. I am a thirty year old single mother whom is in my first serious relationship in eight years and that is okay. I follow some mom vloggers & bloggers. They are married, divorced and single. They layer on make-up, they get cosmetic surgery, they over organize and manage their own businesses. Sometimes I see their social media and I want to cry feeling like I have done nothing with my life. 

The purpose of this blog was for me to write about my journey to embracing all that I am as I navigate life. Comparing my story to anyone else's is sabotaging my success and my journey in my evolution to queendom! These ladies are not competition, they are not the bar or standard...they are Queens just as I am!  

9. Unsolicited Advice is Expected, Not Accepted-My parents were right about a lot of things but especially right about opinions/advice to be specific. They have always said, "Opinions are like assholes, everyone has one" and "If they don't sleep next to you at night or sign your paycheck, their opinion doesn't matter". This couldn't be more true! Opinions and unsolicited advice comes from all directions. When it comes down to it-I do the best I can, with what I have. I make the best decisions I can as a mother & as an independent woman. People tend to involve themselves in things that do not concern them and a lot of the time they are just trying to be helpful. I stopped accepting everything people say to me. Some of it is useful...some of it is offensive & bullshit quite honestly. I'll listen and the freedom of speech is a beautiful thing, however, my life is mine and I am responsible for a little boy...in the end, its my call. 

10. Quality is ALWAYS Better Than Quantity-This applies to so many areas of life! I'm a firm believer that the people around me are a direct reflection of the person I am. I am surrounded by some of the most amazing people! It was hard losing some friends and realizing the truth of my relationship with family but I wholeheartedly love my circle. As far as other areas of life-quality isn't always affordable but when I can invest into my home, I do. My home is my sanctuary-a place I want to feel peace and comfort. I'm feeling less and less like a 20-something and more like a real adult these days(How ridiculous does that sound?). I find I am enjoying quiet dinners/drinks with girlfriends and afternoons spent arranging succulent gardens instead of spending money on things I don't need. Quality of life has a whole new meaning at thirty years old. 

Love Making Memories! County Fair, 2016 

11. Responding is Different Than Reacting-This is not something new to me. I know the difference. What has been learned or what I am practicing is speaking words that have purpose and are a response and not meaningless banter that is a reaction. I do not like surface conversations. I do not like being topical with people or my relationships. I do not like to give advice that is pleasing to the ear but careless of the heart. I do not like to smile at someone when I was giving them the side eye before I made eye contact. Words with purpose and genuine connection is the kind of relationships I want to cultivate. 

12. Be Present-In an age when we are all so consumed with electronic devices and social media, I am glad that I can recognize that my relationships and memories are priceless. I am guilty of checking my phone while I am having dinner  with my son. I tend to jump into picture mode when I am amongst friends. I like to record things like my son's concerts, performances and competitions. I'm always reminding myself to be present...again, quality.

13. Don't Feel Bad About Trimming The Fat-No I am not talking about fitness nor am I talking about a good looking steak. For a while in my twenties, I felt guilt was the anchor that held me in a lot of my relationships. As I've aged...it could be because I've gained some wisdom, it could be because I just care about my own happiness more these days....nevertheless I have learned that I don't have to be friends or have a relationship with anyone that I don't want to. I can love people from a distance. I can accept whom a person is and decide that they don't need to be directly involved with my life. I can "trim the fat" to make room for things and relationships that help me develop and grow. To make room for things and relationships that nurture me versus weighing me down. 

14. Be Yourself & Madly in Love with YOU-I'm just starting to grasp this feeling. I guess you could say its a combination of a few of the previous points I've made in this post. There is a quote that says something along the lines of "Say too much, Feel too much, Do too much because tomorrow is never guaranteed". 

Unapologetically!

15. Fucking Let.It.Go-Sorry I'm not sorry. The F-bomb emphasis was needed! Let go of control. Let go of needing to do & be EVERYTHING for everyone. Let go of the preconceived notions you were raised with. EXPAND your everything! FUCKING LET IT GO!

16. Love that body girl, Love it HARD-When I was in the process of delivering my son, I developed an infection. I had 4-5 IV's in each arm, I was blue and I was shaking uncontrollably. I had an epidural but was still wheeled off to have an emergency C-Section as I had pulminary edema and mild heart failure. Out came our beautiful blueberry of a boy and nothing was found that caused my infection. I ate my way thru my relationship issues while I was pregnant. Again I ate afterward thru additional relationship issues and my postpartum depression. All together-I gained 70lbs in my pregnancy and still carry 40lbs of that weight. I have stretch marks galore, in fact I joke that I have a road map on my stomach. 

The flip side? I have never loved my life so fiercely. I have a beautiful, healthy, happy, rambunctious 8year old son. I have the love of a man who accepts me as I am and cannot wait to build a life with me. I'm owning the woman I am and excited to expand and grow into the next version of myself. I FINALLY am changing my relationship with food and treating my body how I should have been for years! Everyday is not a great day and not everyday do I love every curve or roll but I'm getting there and its so damn freeing! Just last night I was telling a fellow queen how much of a conundrum it is for females to love themselves. Its an onion of a subject...all the different layers! Its beautiful and infuriating all at once! All I can say is I love me so hard and I'm so happy I'm finally here.

Define what your beautiful is and be it!

17. Don't Get Bitter, Get Better-One of the most beautiful quotes a friend shared with me was by Maya Angelou "Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better." Mistakes happen and trust me when I say I've made a fair share. Through the counseling I sought and thru the time I took to truly heal...I gained the wisdom that mistakes do not define who we are. I could be bitter & angry that I had made mistakes. I could blame others for the mistakes. I could even let those experiences shape me into an ugly person. Those choices don't allow me to grow and thrive. They are shackles and thats not who I want to be. Whatever has happened, happened and I learned an immense lesson from it all. I used those experiences to extend kindness, love & compassion for others. I used times I was weak to recognize where I could be strong and where it was okay to stand up for myself. Rather than getting bitter, it was time to pull up the panties and get BETTER than ever before! 

18. Say What Needs To Be Said-People who know me have said that I have a way about being honest without being mean. Something I have to remind myself of, is that I am & will always be a recovering codependent. I am a people-pleaser and I tend to put other's needs above my own. I will bend over backwards to make sure other's are taken care of. The disadvantage of being a codependent person is, I rarely speak up for myself. I rarely say what needs to be said on my behalf. I know what I need, what I'm lacking, what I could use but rarely will you see me letting anyone know. Its very possible to draw the line in the sand, create the boundaries, voice my opinions and feelings without being an outspoken, rude person. Needless to say, this is something I have acknowledged and am still working on. 

19. Responsibility Sucks But Its Better Than The Other Option(s)- Ok, so #Adulting is a real thing. People truthfully brag about being able to function as an adult and I have to say, sometimes I feel worthy of bragging about that as well. That being said...being a responsible "does-the-right-thing" person...is LAME. Its tough as hell, for me-personally, to always have to be the bigger person who considers what I know to be true and what I know will fall through. Its absolutely no fun and sometimes I wish I could take risks and be careless. Truth be told, being responsible, dependable &  accountable is the ONLY way I would want to live my life. Its the ONLY way I have been able to build the life that I have and to remain independent as a single parent. 

20. Bad Times Don't Last, Good People Do- I know some pretty spectacular people. Something that is common across the board is that these people have gone through their fair share of bad crap. Thats true for myself as well. Just yesterday, I was driving thinking of some of the stuff I experienced with my ex and I began to compare it to what I have going on now. Its not been easy. Its been really freaking hard & heavy at times. BUT....I'm still here. I'm still fighting. I'm persevering. I'm weathering the storm. It might hit me hard, but it will not last.

Sabino Canyon, Tucson, AZ 

21. Take Time To Really Stop And Appreciate Your Surroundings- Probably a week ago, Monsoon season was in full effect here in Tucson and my son and I were looking at the clouds, calling out what we saw. I can't remember the last time I stopped long enough to do that. Just now, a coworker took the time to stop and admire a painting in our lobby...I don't know that I've ever done that and I've worked here 6 years. Sometimes, not often enough, I'll stop listening to my friend and I get this overwhelming emotion of appreciation for them. I always tell them when I get that feeling. I've done the same thing in my home. In the rare moment that there is silence and I stop long enough to look around and appreciate what I've built. Practicing this has added so much gratitude to my life. 

22. Speaking of Taking Time-Take Time to Stand in Front of The Mirror Naked- This may sound weird but I mean it literally. How often to you look at yourself in the nude and appreciate your body for what it is & what its done? Have you ever stood looking at yourself long enough to love your stretch marks and any extra "love"(Aka extra pounds) that you may have? When is the last time you have stopped long enough to appreciate the curves and lines of your body instead of wishing them away and thinking of how you can correct it? These are questions I ask myself because I'm not there yet. I still have really bad days...BUT I am getting there. I am making the conscious effort to love this body of mine as its not perfect but its serving me well and I want to treat it as best as I can. 

23. Make Time, Not Excuses- I can be incredibly selfish with my time. In fact, I had to rearrange my habits of going to bed late and waking up late to the polar opposite so I could actually get ready in the morning and get a decent amount of sleep(Hello-I'm only 30 years old!). Its so easy for me to say that I am just too tired after we go thru our nightly routine. I can say I don't have time because of all that I juggle but when I really prioritize and use my time wisely-its amazing how much I can get done AND how much time I have for those that I love!

24. Boundaries, 'Nuff Said- Theres a saying along the lines of "People treat us the way we let them" and yes I am not taking the time to look up exactly what it says. The bottom line is, I teach people how to treat me by what I allow. There are some people that it is easier to create boundaries than it is for others. Frustration and resentment can very easily come from not setting boundaries with someone. I remind myself of two things...One, it doesn't have to be awkward & if it is-so be it & two, "no" is a complete sentence. 

Apple Annies Orchard & Pumpkin Patch, Willcox, AZ 

25. Precious Moments Are Priceless- I realize I'm getting to an age where its very possible I could lose my parents. Just last week I got news a classmate had passed away. My son is rapidly growing from a boy to a young man. Friends are always moving away & evolving(and of course I am happy for them). I don't always have money to go out to eat. I don't always have time to spare. A lot of the time I am exhausted and want to retreat to my home and shut out the world. I resist doing that as often as I'm able because Life.Is.Short. I don't want to miss an opportunity to spend time with the ONLY grandmother I have left. I want to see my parents and I want my son to see my parents as often as possible. I take my son to see his father's family because they ALL live here. I may be short on my attention span, energy or time but if I can make a baby shower, a lunch date, a wine night or a coffee date with any of my friends-I will do my best to be there. When my son asks me to sit down and color or to do a puzzle together-I take those moments because soon enough...he will be a teenager and want nothing to do with me until he is in his 30s! I remind myself to make the plans, to attend the functions...whatever it is, because we only get these moments for so long and then they are missed opportunities...I'd rather have memories! 

26. Give people the space & grace to tell their story-There is so much going on in the world today and we are divided, as a world, in so many different directions. I want to give people the space to express themselves. I want to give people the grace, empathy and compassion to hear their side. It doesn't mean I have to start following, agreeing, doing-anything that I don't myself agree with BUT I do want to create a safe space. A safe space is my goal. I have a son who will learn from how I treat others and I want to "walk that walk, and talk that talk". It  is so important to me to love others, no matter our differences. I can't say I am a professional at this and that I don't have problematic relationships because I do but I am working on it and myself, all the time. 

27. Follow the old saying, "If you don't have anything nice to say..."- Number 26 on my list is about allowing people the room to tell their story and have their opinion. In the time I've had to myself since my son's father and I split...one of the most wonderful lessons I learned is the gift of mindfulness. I am not perfect by any means. I have my flaws and less than nice things to say about certain people and topics. I do however, practice, my choice of words & how I express those opinions in the most loving way possible. There is a difference between expressing my opinion and expressing my feelings on a topic. I want to add to the conversation and the dialogue, not push people away from the discussion. 

28. When It Comes To Your Happiness, Take Chances- I've always been a person who enjoys learning, hearing other people's stories and taking from those stories what I liked or what spoke to me and adopted it into my life. I firmly believe we are not what has happened to us but what we chose to be afterward. We define ourselves, we are in charge with the happiness and satisfaction we have in this lifetime. I've been in this rut where I know I want change but I'm not sure how to go about it. Circumstances are a part of life, but they are not the "be all, end all" of it. A very close friend of mine has shown me that by taking chances, stepping outside of our comfort zones and trying something-there is ALWAYS a reward. A lesson learned, happiness gained & fear conquered. Its not easy as fear is very real and circumstances are not always easy to navigate but I look forward to stepping out of my comfort zone more often to find my bliss, gain true & genuine happiness and to develop as a person. 

Rebuilding yourself

29. The More You Know, The Less You Have To Say- I believe in communication being an art. I've developed, matured & grown in many areas of my life but I feel one in particular has been communication. I also believe that knowledge is power. I think that shutting the world out & refusal to listen to another person's opinion, outlook or beliefs is really only hurting myself. I choose compassion and tolerance because someone could give me perspective or understanding that I didn't have before. I believe that in choosing to speak with purpose, I can say more with fewer words. 

30. Money is Money is Money- Money. I can't live with it, I can't live without it. When it comes down to it-I fucked myself when it came to my credit and I had a kid...both with an irresponsible person. That being said, money is scarce. I am blessed with a great job. I have worked out a system where my son can go and do fun things at school and in summer programs to take care of the time that I am at work. I have worked out an arrangement for the times I can't afford camp because my friends are family and they LOVE my son. But money... 

I'm 30, about to be 31, and I still don't have it figured out. I wish I did, but I don't and I'm working on it damn it. If I could go back and tell 20 year old me what to do...well I would have a LOT to tell her BUT one of the main things I would make sure to let younger me understand is that screwing myself over financially is a heavier burden than I care to bear at this age now. And its NOT worth it. I wish I could say that I went places and saw things and had experiences with the debt I have but I didn't. I feel as though I could be a better mother if I had better credit and had I been better with my finances. Its a lesson I am still learning and I hope to break patterns and cycles because this ride is NOT fun ladies and gentlemen. 

* * * * * * * 

So there you have it! 30 lessons I have learned by the time I was 30 AND  right before I turn 31! So many lessons I am sure I didn't recall or think about and I am positive there will be more in the next decade that are worth mentioning if I should choose to do another one of these posts! 

-R

The Importance of Self-Care

Self-Care. I think the funniest thing I've taken notice to since turning 30 is that it took a whole decade to really figure out a lot of basic things. Its a mix of disappointment & appreciation. For instance, it shouldn't have taken four years of a bad relationship and another three years of epic healing to know what I deserve, what I want and what I will never tolerate. Another example that I am still learning and/or figuring out is how to better budget my income. BUT-what I appreciate about my last decade is that I did learn these things and am grateful for the growth that came from them. My main focus over the last three years, though, has been Self-Care.

Self-Care is so easy to lose track of. With the hustle that comes with everyday life as a single parent...more so than not, I forget! Suddenly I realize I am angry, frustrated and completely exhausted only to realize I have lost track of caring for myself. Self-Care, for me, has included doing things I've always wanted to, trying things I've never done before, recognizing things in myself and my surroundings that I need or want to change and making sure to maintain the delicate balance between my responsibilities & leisure time. I am a creature of rapid changes. I have come to learn that about myself & love it. I want to be the best possible version of myself for myself and for my son. I am always looking at how to improve and how to grow all while understanding that in order to be the best for myself-I have to be taking care of myself.

Hobbies are a way to spend time with loved ones or by myself and there was a time I had a hard time listing anything I enjoyed doing in my spare time that wasn't house work or sleep. In the last few years I have learned how to loom knit, arm knit, use my sewing machine, make succulent arrangements, several DIY projects and endless recipes. Some of these things, I always wanted to know & other things I enjoy learning...just because. Learning expands the mind and I love growing anyway I can. 

Hobbies don't fill all my time when I am not busy working, running errands or parenting. Free time as a single parent is like GOLD. I use it to spend time with my god-daughter. I use it to spend time with family. I use it to spend time with friends. Every so often though, when the candle is burning a little too much at both ends....I have learned to recognize the need to use this time for myself. It could be a movie marathon and a few glasses of wine. The time could be spent letting my frustrations out on rearranging my place. I use the time to date myself, pamper myself, isolate myself. My free time is necessary to unplug, to recharge, to make sure my mind, spirit and body is reset to tackle whatever comes my way next. 

Recently, I've also made it a point to step out of my comfort zone. These things I felt were necessary as I have been walking a journey to loving the skin I am in and finding peace with my body after having my son 8 years ago. Eight years is a long time to carry the burden, if not longer, of shame and hatred for my own body. I started the journey because I was tired of feeling so much depression over how I looked and felt. I also started the journey because there were women around me going thru the same journey and making progress, so why not ME!? After all, insanity is doing the same things expecting different results so I figure its time to get uncomfortable and do some growing!

I made my approach a little differently than people typically do. I started from the inside and have been working my way outward. I started with healing my heart. Acknowledging that I had let myself go in my last relationship. I let go of everything I stood for, everything I believed in, maintaining close friendships and maintaining my independence. Taking care of me. It took a few years to find the balance between being a single parent and making time for myself but its been a part of my self-care journey and I cannot tell you how earth-shattering it is, when I lose that balance. 

Once I felt like my heart was mostly healed and on the road to mending-I worked on my perception and my mind. My perception of myself & my mindset needed a complete make over. I was self-sabotaging by medicating thru eating. I have never had a dependency on drugs or alcohol...my addiction was food. I would eat thru my happiness, my sadness...even my good days were reason enough to indulge in something unhealthy. It took time...its still a struggle, it was not over night, but working on my relationship with food has been one of the best forms of Self-Care I could've chosen. 

Next, I worked on changing my perception of myself thru outward behaviors & habits. I had stopped literally caring about how I looked. Not caring about how others perceived me played right into how I perceived myself and it became this vicious cycle. I gave my wardrobe a make over. I planned a more efficient morning routine. I stopped caring about what size clothing I was buying and instead focused on buying things that I felt good in. I planned a morning routine that allowed me the time to enjoy a cup of coffee, shower, style all this hair and put on a face-IF I so chose to. Walking out the door feeling like I was comfortable but more important-confident-tremendously changed my perception of myself AND I am doing it for ME!

Another way I've chosen to step out of my comfort zone and continue to work my way toward self love-a few years back I attended my very first open call for a local designer who founded Tucson Fashion Week. I've modeled for her and another local designer several times since. I took my comfort level and body love journey a step further and purchased a Groupon for a Boudoir Photo Shoot. Even without these modeling opportunities or the boudoir photo shoot...I cannot tell you how beautiful it is to rock a bikini to the pool or walk around naked when my son is away and feel good in my skin. 

I'm not "there"...ebb & flow is the name of the game. Its a work in progress but a journey I am forever grateful for starting. Becoming aware of the importance of Self-Care is priceless wisdom. In taking care of myself...I feel rooted. I feel humbled. I feel grounded. I feel more like myself in acknowledging and fulfilling what I need to maintain me. I still battle with insecurities. I still battle with bad days. I am still re-writing heart beliefs to get to the best version of me. I'm still learning to manage my time better. I'm still learning and establishing boundaries for what is healthiest for me and my household. 

The awareness of these things is what I work on and what keeps my progress moving. I know the ONLY person who knows how to BEST care for me is myself. I know that to best care for my son and those around me is to care for myself, first. I know its perfectly acceptable to be a little selfish sometimes. I know that the time and investment in myself is priceless. I am priceless. 

My Queendom is priceless. 

Tribe

Keeping it simple-It takes a village to raise a child & who lives in villages? Tribes! Its an adjustment becoming a parent for several reasons but one of the main reasons is you need your tribe. Navigating work schedules, daycare needs, transition into school, family you can lean on, friends you can trust...it gets complicated.

For me, add navigation of a split household with the fun twist of non-existent co-parenting. I've spoken with several people who have experienced co-parenting woes and the bottom line is-it takes time. Definitely not the answer I wanted to hear, especially considering that we are going on almost a decade of this. As with most things in life...time is the answer and what we do with time is essential.

I specifically can recall the exact moment I stopped hoping for what I wanted and started doing what I needed to. The split with my son's father was not amicable, in fact, it was quite messy. I was a mess. Delayed, crippling postpartum, mentally and emotionally exhausted and really just at my wits end. I know I was mean, I was bitchy, I was rude, I was ugly. I had moved back in with my parents, we discussed getting back on the same page and working on things and quickly with a social media post and a car I didn't recognize parked outside of what was still our home-I realized that was never going to happen. There was a shit ton of grief. I felt broken...shattered even. All I had ever wanted was to make a family and keep them together having seen so many broken marriages and families split.

I was in my room at my parent's sobbing my eyes out. My mom came in and lovingly but sternly told me,"Rae, you need to get your shit together. You have a beautiful baby boy that needs and depends on you. Its not healthy for him to see you like this and only YOU can pick yourself up and start over. He needs his mother. Start your day, put a face on...even if you don't want to. Take care of yourself because you can't be a good mom if you aren't taking care of you. I know it hurts baby but this is the a new beginning for you. You can do this."

With that, I was only with my parents for one month after my son's father and I split. I was officially on my own and have been for the last seven or eight years. I didn't like the idea of being a working single mom...knowing I would have to rely on daycare so I could earn a living to provide for us. My best friend was the only person I trusted with my son other than my parents. She is the closest thing I have to a sister and has been in my life for over a decade. She is the God-mother to my son and if I am ever in a pinch-I know she has my back. I love you L.

My Rock, My Sister-Truly separated at birth!

Another one of my girlfriends stepped up to assist me in the beginning and Lord have mercy is she a blessing. She is a sweet soul my soul can lean on, she has surprised me with groceries, she has always been supportive and no matter where she moves-she is near and dear to my heart. I love you K. Slowly, year by year, I cultivated the friendships with these women and made new connections. These women are more than just friendships...these women are my tribe.

It was hard opening up and allowing women to be there for me to lean on. I wanted to be a stronger than ever, independent, self-sufficient, confident, organized & all around bad-ass QUEEN! All those things are true...BUT do you know how BEAUTIFUL it is for women to work together? Do you know that society and media want to keep us at odds? Do you know the POWER behind co-parenting with your tribe? I could write and talk about this allllll.damn.day.

My Angel-no matter how far she is, shes always close to my heart

My tribe is my sound board. I consult each of them when I am facing something I am having trouble digesting. They are women that are able to be level headed and fairly unbiased. They are women who can tell me with honesty and my best interest in mind, their input and suggestions. This is HUGE to me. They don't all jump on the same bandwagon ready to shame, criticize, bad-mouth whomever or whatever I am dealing with. They don't judge me. I get encouragement and a balanced perspective that maybe I don't even have at the time. 

My tribe is a support system. These ladies are a text, email, phone call, Facebook message away and all I have to do is reach out. It could be a celebratory call, a call about my son, a call about my ex, a call about my family, a call about my boyfriend, a call just to call, a call to check on them, a call just because I need another female presence in my life at that moment. Its also not just phone calls-its dinner, lunch, coffee or cocktail dates. Time with or without children to lean on one another for support thru whatever we are navigating. Like a marriage-we are there for each other thru the good & the bad. We are consistent & we are supportive. 

This Magical Woman! She speaks to my soul and opens new corners of my heart and mind!

My tribe is a no-judgement zone. I can communicate my inner most thoughts, desires, anger & joy and I am not met with judgement or criticism. I'm completely open to being myself and sometimes my, self, isn't pretty...in fact, I can feel quite defeated, broken & completely disappointed in myself. These women not only pray for me...they remind me of my strength. They let me admit and accept my own truths without rubbing my face into it. That is so fucking important to me and I am so grateful this is the environment I've invested into to have around me. 

My tribe is honesty in its most loving form. There is a time for pitty parties but they are short lived. There is a time to realize a mistake or two was made but what do we do next? There is a time to feel betrayed and misled and we are there to pick one another up and reapply our lipstick. There is a time to be emotional because we are emotional creatures but we are Queens so how will we continue our rule? With my tribe-I've got a handful of amazing women whom always keep me honest and remind me I've got a backbone for a reason. Chin up buttercup, don't let the crown slip!

A best friend I didn't see coming & now I don't know what I would do without her

My tribe is more than a friendship. My tribe is a sisterhood. My tribe is unconditional. With the growth of this concept and the relationships that I came to NEED in my life...I came to realize that this love for and respect of my fellow woman began to pour over into everyday life. Its so damn beautiful to not only realize my own worth and value but to honor, respect, love and cherish the worth and value of all women! There is no room for jealousy or envy. As I quoted in my Defining "Queendom" post, Jill Scott said it PERFECTLY...

"We all have our own thing...that's the magic. That everybody comes with their own sense of strength & their own Queendom. Mine could never compare to hers & hers could never compare to mine."

There isn't a value I can put on my tribe. They are priceless & irreplaceable. I feel like my twenties were spent finding myself above all but also finding my tribe. The women I will continue to build with. The women I will raise my children with. The women I can lean on. The women I can honor everyday. The women that I hope will count on me the way I count on them. 

-R

Boudoir Body Love

A few months back I was browsing all the offers on Groupon & the steal of a deal for a Boudoir Photo Shoot caught my eye. Do I have the body for it? DAMN RIGHT I DO-I did all the necessary clicking to purchase not one but TWO packages!! Now, two...maybe three years ago-I wouldn't jump at an opportunity like this. I wouldn't have had the confidence that I do today & would have honestly not even hesitated or paused to look at the details of that offer. 

I just so happened to find a couple videos that BuzzFeed had posted about women trying Boudoir Photo Shoots for themselves. In one video, a woman named Daysha took the photos to help her love herself. In the other video, new moms took photos within the first year of having their babies. In both of these videos I found pieces of myself. It wasn't just these videos though, I've been working on loving the body I am in since I had my son...8 years ago. 

Today's society tells us so many conflicting ideas of what we are supposed to be as women. We should have a thigh gap, a curvy figure with a small waist, our faces should be painted & perfectly contoured, lips full & eye brows on "fleek"(WTF is that word?)....and thats all before and after a baby! I decided, when I started this blog, that the relationship I have with myself was and is one of the most important relationships I have and I needed to invest in myself in more ways that one. 

I started with my clothes & fashion decisions(If you're interested in that chapter, read this.) Slowly that moved into getting back into a fitness routine...which is still a work in progress. Most recently the focus has been on my relationship with food which has actually been the most successful! Now circle back to the Boudoir Photo Shoot. I told myself I would eat super clean, drink lots of water...then my body said "Hey thats cute" and the two weeks before my shoot...I was PMS-ing and got my period. 

I know, probably TMI...bloated and fifty shades of hormonal...I didn't let it derail me. I didn't let it discourage me. Instead, I shopped make-up and false eye lashes and planned my outfits so I would feel a little more prepared. I scheduled a manicure and pedicure the day before and I was feeling good about this! Short side note: Do you know how stressful it is to learn to apply primer, concealer, foundation, bronzer-pretending-like-I-know-how-to-contour, eye shadow and falsies...in 48hrs?!?! Bravo to the ladies who have spent the time and money to learn how to do it every.damn.day...I applaud you! A girlfriend of mine decided to also do a photo shoot and scheduled her shoot right after mine so we made the plan to assist one another and make a girls day of it. 

Saturday morning started at 5:30AM for me. Think of "First Date" prep....on crack. I spent an hour curling my hair and hair spraying it to the point it was a fire hazard. Showered, shaved-twice, moisturized, make up, make up check, hair check, bag check, make up check-again, hair check-again, time check, make up check-AGAIN...and out the door I went! Pit stop at my girlfriend's to assist with hair and then off to my shoot. The drive to the resort is when butterflies hit my stomach. I told myself I was going to do this, I was going to have fun and I was going to enjoy this experience because I did not just spend three hours getting myself dolled up for nothing! 

Make-Up Mayhem

The Mane

Now for the company-All Things Boudoir-I would HIGHLY recommend them! They are an ALL female staff, they do not allow spouses to attend nor do they do shoot couples. Our location for the shoot was at the Westin La Paloma here in Tucson, AZ & the photographers have pictures and biographies for you to check out prior to meeting them for your shoot. The only part of arriving I did not like was that the waiting area is not within a hallway of the resort, its outside and its July...in Arizona...translation-I was sweating my whole shoot. 

The lighting in the bathroom was amazing!

The photographer's name is Andrea & Lord, she is adorable. She was welcoming, showed me the area I could go to change and asked to see my outfits so she could decide what approach to take in photographing me. I changed into my first outfit and off we went! At first, I felt out of place...ridiculous even. Andrea was so sweet and obviously is very good at what she does. She helped me open up and have fun. We had music, we used almost all of the furniture in the room-the curtains, the lounge chair, the ottoman, the bed...Ninety minutes later, we were done, it was my friend's turn and I was on my way to her house as she forgot one of her most important outfits. 

As I drove away-I felt...liberated, empowered, confident & sexy!!! Andrea let me peek at some of the shots she had taken and I hardly recognized myself! I looked fantastic! I loved her lighting, her angles, the poses she put me in...I loved them-and that was just a peek! I had this adrenaline high that had me feeling so much more OPEN to opportunities that maybe I had thought impossible before! I made it back in time for my girlfriend to put on her outfit that I had retrieved for her and she finished her shoot while I sipped a cranberry and vodka on the floor of the hotel room. The cool laminate felt so good on my hot and sweaty legs and I didn't even care that I was plopped on the floor enjoying that alcoholic beverage. 

Ms. Andrea shooting my girlfriend

Andrea finished shooting my girlfriend and we got the skinny on what happens next. I informed Andrea that I bought a second shoot & she informed me that I can request her, which I totally am going to do. I made a joke that I'll be scheduling my shoot for October as well...screw hot weather and trying to look amazing for a photo shoot while you're melting. I asked if we could take a quick selfie as I wanted to document as much of this experience as I could...I knew it would be something I wanted to write about!

L-R: Myself, Andrea & Momo

Considering we had forgone eating all morning, we took our famished selves over to The Living Room at La Encantada for lunch. Food has never tasted so good after conquering a hurdle of body issues! I sat there shoving food in my face and reflecting on how I felt...I can say I feel accomplished. I am more open to trying things that maybe initially feel like I don't "qualify" for. I feel like my spine is a little more erect, like my shoulders aren't quite so burdened with the weight of "but I'm not..." thoughts. I feel proud of myself-I stepped outside of my comfort zone to be half and fully nude in front of a complete stranger to have beautiful photographs taken. I learned how to apply make-up! Can't say I will do it everyday because I feel more comfortable and beautiful bare faced but I LEARNED! I feel more in tune with myself, my body...I have more appreciation for my shape, stretch marks, extra "love"...and this is all before seeing the final product! I cannot wait to do this again and have never been happier that I have continued to define my beauty for myself!

-Xo

Oysters, fries & lamb chops!

UPDATE!!!! Yesterday I called into my photo reveal appointment & it was a mix of emotions. Pictures where I saw what I expected(now I know what work needs to be done)...BUT also pictures where I felt really sassy, sexy, confident and was 1000% happy with the shot(Cue to pat myself on the back and the butt for stepping out of my comfort zone and doing this)! I've ordered a set of the final five & should have them soon! 

Evolution in Parenting

I really dislike sending my son to bed angry. I really dislike sending him to his dad's when I feel like we are still on somewhat rocky grounds. I pride myself on maintaining a respectful and open relationship with my son. Last night, the bottom line is, I felt disrespected and hurt. My boy got a swat on his cheek, I was livid to the point of tears and we both went to bed angry. A little of it carried over into this morning, which I despise...who likes carrying yesterday's trials & tribulations into the next day? 

I'm sitting here taking some time to reflect on what happened & my heart is sad. Reflecting on my parenting is important to me. As the saying goes, "there is no handbook to Parenting...". I know my parents did the best they could and figured things out along the way. I'm open to all the parenting advice anyone wants to offer and do my best to remain open when people cross into sensitive territory with their unsolicited parenting advice. 

Something I don't like to openly admit to....Being a single parent is hard. REALLY.FUCKING.HARD. I am the good guy, the bad guy, the unbiased mom when he needs to or wants to vent about his dad or things that happen at their house, the nurse, the doctor, the band-aid brigade, the cook, the maid, the laundry attendant, the personal taxi, the source of money and toys, the handy-woman, the toy repairer...all on my own. 


Don't get me wrong-when I need help(desperately), I ask. My parents, my son's other grandmother-as well as my son's aunt, uncle and his tia, they are all amazing when it comes to assisting me with school uniforms, a new backpack & lunch box, shoes, non-school clothes and spoiling my son with everything he could ever hope for. 


My son's father's family includes us on dinner dates, birthday parties and takes my son on family vacations. Hell, I have even been invited on a family vacation that I ended up backing out of to attempt to save money for the trip to Hawai'i. I am forever grateful for everyone who has attempted to help me and my son whether we needed it or just because they wanted to make things a little easier on me. 


Now the "all on my own" statement. I keep hope that someday, SOME-FUCKING-DAY, my son's father and I will be on friendly terms. We will be able to chat, even just for a couple minutes, at the pick up/drop off of our son. We will be able to have discussions vs arguments about what is best for our son. We will be able to call one another and making parenting time adjustments with ease and be able to negotiate schedule conflicts without fighting or hanging on up the other parent. 
Right now(aka all of my son's life-8yrs), we aren't there. 

I can whole-heartedly admit that the first few years were hard for me. I was adjusting to being a newly single parent, adjusting to my son's father being in and out of relationships and those people being around my son. Healing needed to take place amongst every day struggles, financial issues and it was difficult but I did the best that I knew how. I can admit I was mean, a little too rigid when it came to being flexible with the parenting time and I made all my decisions not out of spite, but out of trying to be a good mother.


From my perspective-my son's father & his girlfriend do not care for me. Not.one.bit. My son's father and I were done 7- years ago and have only ever addressed possibly getting back together once & it was hard, but I did get over the end of our relationship while making peace with the fact that my family would fall into today's standard-another broken family. I took the time to process all I had done and all that was done to me so I could forgive myself, forgive him without the apology I thought I deserved and to finally take the step to offer him my apology. I thought or at least hoped that he would do the same and we would be able to move forward as co-parents and possibly friends. You would think that would be possible of two people whom have known one another since kindergarten.

I took into account that my son's father probably had a lot of bad things to say about me to his girlfriend. When I learned they moved in together, I addressed the fact that I needed to accept that another woman would be in my son's life. I knew she was a mother and I figured we could relate and respect one another in that aspect. I thought maybe she would be the bridge between my son's father and I-that she could aid us in our relationship. I quickly learned that we wouldn't have the relationship I had hoped we could have.


I can only be responsible for myself and how I choose to process experiences and move forward. All of this being said, I feel as though every choice I make for myself and my son is taken as a personal attack on my son's father, on his career, on his girlfriend or on their little family. I have been accused of trying to cut my son's father out of our son's life. I have been accused of trying to sabotage his career. I have been accused of keeping our son from his father. I have been accused of pursuing a relationship with his family behind his back to get them to favor me over him. I have been bad mouthed to and in front of my child. 


My son has come home to accuse me of doing things I haven't done, but hes been convinced otherwise. 
My son has told me he doesn't know if he can trust that I am being honest with him because of the things that are said about me. What makes it all worse, is I feel as though, they take out their frustrations with me on my son. He complains of being neglected and treated differently than the other children in the house. He complains about mistreatment he receives from his dad's girlfriend. He isn't allowed to call me when he is with them. Hes not allowed to talk about me or say that he loves me and is forced to call his father's girlfriend "mom" or receive physical punishment.


I am only one person. I am his mother and I don't feel its right to try and compensate for the fact that his father and I are not together. I don't feel its right to try and compensate for the shortcomings of his relationship with his dad and his dad's girlfriend. I do, however, wish that my son wasn't affected the way he is because we can't co-parent. I wish he had a strong relationship with his dad. I wish that he and his dad's girlfriend were able to get along. I wish that for the sake of our son and the other kids, we were all able to get along. I wish that when something negative happens in my son's father's life-I wouldn't be accused. This is what makes my life as a single parent-hard. 


I aim to improve my relationship with my son everyday. I look for better ways for both of us to communicate. I try to find ways for us to spend time together that are not common. I can say that I had to give up on trying to assist my son's father and my son in their relationship. I felt as though I wasn't supporting my son in all he is navigating with his father. I wish I could say I was actively trying to improve my relationship with my son's father but that takes two people and I feel like I am doing all I can. I could be wrong-I share my experiences with others that I trust to tell me when I am being unreasonable. 

The other people and parts of my son's life is what makes it hard. I can't control them, I can't control what they say or how they treat him. I can't say that I don't want my boy left with the older kids while his dad and the girlfriend go out. I can't say that my son should have his own space in a household with two teenage girls. I can't say that my son should be able to grow his hair out and express himself through his style choices without being ridiculed and made fun of for acting "gay". 

It's not always easy but I'm reminding myself I have every reason to be confident in my parenting and my relationship with my son. All research I've done and anyone I've talked to-suggests that it just takes time. I am blessed beyond measure to have the support system that I do. I have the love of friends that are more like family that are there anytime we need them and show up for my son as often as they can. I have the love of a man who accepts us and is excited to have a relationship with my son. Whether or not it gets better for my son at least I can say, in full confidence, that I will show up for him, stand up for him and support him until my last breath.