Defining "Queendom"

Somewhere between my self-esteem issues and reading about what some women were doing in their own journeys (Definitely a blog post for later!), I decided it was time for a makeover. Not the type of makeover where I change my make-up, hair styles and outfits until I get sick of doing it but a makeover starting from the heart and working my way outward.

Rumor has it, because I refuse to do any type of yard work,  that the best way to get rid of a "weed" is at the root. I felt like a lot of my heart beliefs about myself and life were "weeds" rooted in my heart. Some of those issues were from events that happened in my childhood. I don't think I ever stopped to really question any of them, I just lived with these perceptions that became beliefs. 

For me, the heart isn't a stone where everything I have ever believed is etched in permanently. For me, my heart is more like a giant dry erase board where I have some beliefs that have been there a LONG time...and others have been put there more recently. One of those beliefs I recently added, is the belief in my Queendom.

The first time I ever heard the term "Queendom" I was watching "Dave Chappelle's Block Party" (Which I HIGHLY recommend, it has some great music!). The crew was shooting footage back stage where Jill Scott sat watching Erykah Badu's performance on a flat screen. Ms. Scott said the following:

"We all have our own thing...that's the magic. That everybody comes with their own sense of strength & their own Queendom. Mine could never compare to hers & hers could never compare to mine."

That sentence really stuck with me..."Mine could never compare to hers and hers could never compare to mine." I loved it! Queendom has been something I have been meditating on for quite some time now. Its something I want to continue to define, embrace and live for myself. It won't be for anyone other than myself. My Queendom is authentic, its personalized for me, its everything I am as well as everything I am not.

My Queendom is celebrating my strengths, accepting my weaknesses and loving it all FIERCELY. To sit back, breathe and look at WHO I am seems so foreign. I feel like I get into this auto-pilot style of living that I'm just going through the motions. I don't want to live that way, in fact, I don't feel like its living at all. I would never go back and change anything, where I am today came from those experiences. That being said, those experiences also contributed to my Queendom today. 

"My mission, should I choose to accept it, is to find peace with exactly who and what I am. To take pride in my thoughts, my appearance, my talents, my flaws and to stop this incessant worrying that I can’t be loved as I am."

- Anais Nin

My Queendom is intentional. My Queendom is breaking free from feeling like I need to be any different than who I am. My Queendom is taking time to discover all characteristics I possess, good and bad. My Queendom is body acceptance. My Queendom is spiritual & mental health. My Queendom is unconditional love. 

My Queendom is unwavering peace. My Queendom is open to learning. My Queendom is constantly striving to be the best version of myself. My Queendom is still developing and its definitely more than just confidence. I think confidence is a small, yet contributing characteristic. One thing I do know, without a doubt, is that this is the beginning of something very beautiful. 

-R

The "T-Shirt" Ban

About three weeks ago, I sat on the edge of my bed, staring blankly at the clothing rack in my room. This rack held every item of clothing (for the most part) that I owned. Frustration and anger started to boil within me and I had one single thought, "I hate everything!" 

I hated the items that were adorable yet I felt over dressed for wearing them, so there they hung, with the tags still attached. I hated the pants that press into my stomach and make me feel like biscuit dough popping out of the can. I hated the blouses that I felt made me appear to be a couple sizes bigger than I actually am-just to hide my stomach. As I stare, angry, I noticed one common piece that I had a love/hate relationship with... T-SHIRTS.

How had I become this collector of something so comfortable yet so diminishing? I love(d) t-shirts BUT I feel like I was hiding in them. I'm hiding love handles. I'm hiding my stomach, hips and thighs. I'm hiding that I feel less-than-sexy and pretending to be cute. I almost wanted to cry. How did I get here?

I decided I was done with self pity but I didn't know what to do. I decided a good place to start was to take every single t-shirt off the clothing rack. I laid each one out on my bed and I banned them. I would stop hiding behind a rainbow of comfortable t-shirts. I would stop feeling like just because I am a mother and carry more weight than I have in my life that I could be any less than fabulous. 

I wanted to scream...   

I AM A WOMAN DAMN IT

I have every right to feel glamorous, beautiful, sassy and fierce! I want to feel good when I leave the house. Even if I am an emotional wreck, I want to have something beautiful on. I want to strut in wedges. I want to rock large, bulky necklaces. (**Side note: Hair & make up are a whole other blog post!) I deserved and deserve this!

Fast forward to today! Its been three weeks and I have put together some seriously FUN outfits! I still feel a little uncomfortable but I also feel FABULOUS! I've taken pieces I would be too worried to pair and rocked them to work...I've even gotten compliments from coworkers saying, "You've been especially sassy lately, is there something we need to know?" 

Pfffft! As if a MAN had anything to do with my awesomeness!?! Pa-lease! This cuteness happened all by me! By my choice! 

My choice! My choice to stop being a comfy-t-shirt-wearing woman whom hid her insecurities and doubted herself more than she should. Not because I feel like my worth is tied up in how I look. My choice to wear something fabulous because I am a Queen and its time to OWN the Queendom. From the top of my head to the tips of my self-pedicured toes...I am embracing all that I am, celebrating myself & loving her fiercely. Yes there were blogs I had been reading and articles about feminism that helped spark this new sense of freedom, however, me being me-I wasn't going to change anything until I was ready. Damn it, I was...I am ready. This was the beginning of an evolution within me and it all started with a t-shirt ban. 

-R