Dear Son...

March 12, 2017

To My Son Whom I Love So Much....

Happy Birthday Baby. I believe that you were chosen for me and I for you. I can say, hands down, that you have taught me more in your 9 years on this planet than anyone else I have ever known. I love our conversations & that you are able to confide in me. I am constantly amazed by how mature you are and how pure your heart is. You keep me accountable and you also keep me young. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me and the best thing I've done with my time here. 

Life did not play out the way I would have liked when it comes to my relationship with your dad. The struggles you face from going between our very different households to feeling caught in the middle of our relationship and co-parenting struggles weighs heavily on my heart. I hate that we did that to you & I can see how you struggle to cope with it. I cannot emphasize enough that the ultimate desire I have for your life is that you are happy, that you know you are loved and that have the support of your family.

As you grow, I am starting to feel the distance that must be placed between us. The distance is necessary for you to fail, triumph, mature and grow into the man you will be. I recognize that it hurts to let go. It hurts to allow certain things, situations and people to affect you. I have to admit that I worry and I have insecurities. I find myself asking several questions, daily...like "Does he have enough of a faith foundation?"..."Am I doing the right thing here?"..."Am I supporting him to the best of my ability?".

It hurts and its scary but those feelings are mine and not yours to burden. That being said, I'm sure you will get sick of me always checking in on your mind and heart to see how you are feeling about things but I do hope that you know that my concern comes from a caring place. A place of always wanting to make sure that you never feel alone but that you always feel free to be yourself and make your own choices. A place of wanting you to build confidence in yourself and find your own authentic voice.

We only get one life here. Its hard not to feel the weight of the world on your shoulders...pushing us to go one way or another. I hope you know all that makes you special and that it has zero to do with what everyone else is doing. I want you to know that the world is at your fingertips. Anything and everything is possible with hard work, determination, passion & love.

I hope that you have an open heart as well as an open mind for all of this world's possibilities. I pray that people's closed-minded opinions...beliefs rooted in hatred/fear and the tragedies of the world wouldn't weigh you down or scare you...but rather would encourage you to be the change you wish to see. The change the world needs. I have so much hope & faith in you Van.

I love you more than you could possibly imagine, Son. You are one of my best friends and I love our relationship. I pray it continues to grow as you do. I vow to be by your side so you never feel alone. I promise to have your back when you need support and need help back up on your feet. You may be growing up faster than I would like but you will always be my baby and I will always be your Mom.

Me Ke Aloha Pumehana,

Mom

Hello 2017

I can't say that 2016 was completely terrible. There were plenty of beautiful moments & memories made in 2016. What I can say though, is that 2016 will not be missed. This last year has been one of the hardest I can remember. From having realizations about family that I didn't think would hit me so hard, to, having some of the most testing and trying times with my son's father. I guess I could say that I've also hit, what might be, a milestone of my thirties-I have zero patience for bullshit!

I like to think I am a very patient and tolerant person. I also like to think that I am generally accepting and have worked to be a go-with-the-flow kind of woman while maintaining organization and routine. But this last year, 2016, put me thru it. For many years, I have exhausted myself being there for everyone and forgetting about me, forgetting about my household, my family. I have exhausted my mind and emotions trying to navigate this relation-shit with my son's father. 

Those two areas of my life, alone, have depleted my being to the point of wanting to isolate away from everyone and everything that gives me joy and fulfillment. I've felt like sulking, eating, sulking some more and finding any excuse to just stay away. 

....well.....

Enough is enough. I felt the change coming at the end of 2016. Maybe it was some of the holi-daze(see what I did there) that had me feeling so anxious but I felt this change coming and it was intensified at the end of 2016....it.is.no.more. Lines in the sand will be redrawn, boundaries will be put back up, organization will have its way, purging will be more regular, the word "no" will be used frequently without apology. I am done.

Its now March and I have been working diligently on myself. Slowly, but surely, I'm taking care of all areas of my life as I seek true balance. My cousin Kelli has been an amazing help. Shes been a life coach, a guru of sorts for me...someone who is looking from the outside in and helping me to achieve real changes. My diet, my mind, my spirit, my finances, my career, my relationship, my family, my friends....its all getting a make-over. I am generally a very happy and optimistic person, however, this life gets heavy.

I realize now that the people and relationships I've cultivated in the last few years, have led me to the changes I am making for myself today. It happened naturally, organically....and I am falling in love with it. Truly. Putting myself first feels amazing. I've not perfected it and I am still working on this-moment by moment. I feel the lifestyle transformations happening and it feels good. Its not forced nor a burden and thats what I've been seeking. I've wanted to feel more free, at peace... instead of obligated, pressured, heavy and caged.

I feel a new evolution happening and I am excited to see where it will take me. I feel like it can only benefit me, my family and my circle. Beautiful things are coming...Hello 2017.