The Importance of Self-Care

Self-Care. I think the funniest thing I've taken notice to since turning 30 is that it took a whole decade to really figure out a lot of basic things. Its a mix of disappointment & appreciation. For instance, it shouldn't have taken four years of a bad relationship and another three years of epic healing to know what I deserve, what I want and what I will never tolerate. Another example that I am still learning and/or figuring out is how to better budget my income. BUT-what I appreciate about my last decade is that I did learn these things and am grateful for the growth that came from them. My main focus over the last three years, though, has been Self-Care.

Self-Care is so easy to lose track of. With the hustle that comes with everyday life as a single parent...more so than not, I forget! Suddenly I realize I am angry, frustrated and completely exhausted only to realize I have lost track of caring for myself. Self-Care, for me, has included doing things I've always wanted to, trying things I've never done before, recognizing things in myself and my surroundings that I need or want to change and making sure to maintain the delicate balance between my responsibilities & leisure time. I am a creature of rapid changes. I have come to learn that about myself & love it. I want to be the best possible version of myself for myself and for my son. I am always looking at how to improve and how to grow all while understanding that in order to be the best for myself-I have to be taking care of myself.

Hobbies are a way to spend time with loved ones or by myself and there was a time I had a hard time listing anything I enjoyed doing in my spare time that wasn't house work or sleep. In the last few years I have learned how to loom knit, arm knit, use my sewing machine, make succulent arrangements, several DIY projects and endless recipes. Some of these things, I always wanted to know & other things I enjoy learning...just because. Learning expands the mind and I love growing anyway I can. 

Hobbies don't fill all my time when I am not busy working, running errands or parenting. Free time as a single parent is like GOLD. I use it to spend time with my god-daughter. I use it to spend time with family. I use it to spend time with friends. Every so often though, when the candle is burning a little too much at both ends....I have learned to recognize the need to use this time for myself. It could be a movie marathon and a few glasses of wine. The time could be spent letting my frustrations out on rearranging my place. I use the time to date myself, pamper myself, isolate myself. My free time is necessary to unplug, to recharge, to make sure my mind, spirit and body is reset to tackle whatever comes my way next. 

Recently, I've also made it a point to step out of my comfort zone. These things I felt were necessary as I have been walking a journey to loving the skin I am in and finding peace with my body after having my son 8 years ago. Eight years is a long time to carry the burden, if not longer, of shame and hatred for my own body. I started the journey because I was tired of feeling so much depression over how I looked and felt. I also started the journey because there were women around me going thru the same journey and making progress, so why not ME!? After all, insanity is doing the same things expecting different results so I figure its time to get uncomfortable and do some growing!

I made my approach a little differently than people typically do. I started from the inside and have been working my way outward. I started with healing my heart. Acknowledging that I had let myself go in my last relationship. I let go of everything I stood for, everything I believed in, maintaining close friendships and maintaining my independence. Taking care of me. It took a few years to find the balance between being a single parent and making time for myself but its been a part of my self-care journey and I cannot tell you how earth-shattering it is, when I lose that balance. 

Once I felt like my heart was mostly healed and on the road to mending-I worked on my perception and my mind. My perception of myself & my mindset needed a complete make over. I was self-sabotaging by medicating thru eating. I have never had a dependency on drugs or alcohol...my addiction was food. I would eat thru my happiness, my sadness...even my good days were reason enough to indulge in something unhealthy. It took time...its still a struggle, it was not over night, but working on my relationship with food has been one of the best forms of Self-Care I could've chosen. 

Next, I worked on changing my perception of myself thru outward behaviors & habits. I had stopped literally caring about how I looked. Not caring about how others perceived me played right into how I perceived myself and it became this vicious cycle. I gave my wardrobe a make over. I planned a more efficient morning routine. I stopped caring about what size clothing I was buying and instead focused on buying things that I felt good in. I planned a morning routine that allowed me the time to enjoy a cup of coffee, shower, style all this hair and put on a face-IF I so chose to. Walking out the door feeling like I was comfortable but more important-confident-tremendously changed my perception of myself AND I am doing it for ME!

Another way I've chosen to step out of my comfort zone and continue to work my way toward self love-a few years back I attended my very first open call for a local designer who founded Tucson Fashion Week. I've modeled for her and another local designer several times since. I took my comfort level and body love journey a step further and purchased a Groupon for a Boudoir Photo Shoot. Even without these modeling opportunities or the boudoir photo shoot...I cannot tell you how beautiful it is to rock a bikini to the pool or walk around naked when my son is away and feel good in my skin. 

I'm not "there"...ebb & flow is the name of the game. Its a work in progress but a journey I am forever grateful for starting. Becoming aware of the importance of Self-Care is priceless wisdom. In taking care of myself...I feel rooted. I feel humbled. I feel grounded. I feel more like myself in acknowledging and fulfilling what I need to maintain me. I still battle with insecurities. I still battle with bad days. I am still re-writing heart beliefs to get to the best version of me. I'm still learning to manage my time better. I'm still learning and establishing boundaries for what is healthiest for me and my household. 

The awareness of these things is what I work on and what keeps my progress moving. I know the ONLY person who knows how to BEST care for me is myself. I know that to best care for my son and those around me is to care for myself, first. I know its perfectly acceptable to be a little selfish sometimes. I know that the time and investment in myself is priceless. I am priceless. 

My Queendom is priceless. 

Tribe

Keeping it simple-It takes a village to raise a child & who lives in villages? Tribes! Its an adjustment becoming a parent for several reasons but one of the main reasons is you need your tribe. Navigating work schedules, daycare needs, transition into school, family you can lean on, friends you can trust...it gets complicated.

For me, add navigation of a split household with the fun twist of non-existent co-parenting. I've spoken with several people who have experienced co-parenting woes and the bottom line is-it takes time. Definitely not the answer I wanted to hear, especially considering that we are going on almost a decade of this. As with most things in life...time is the answer and what we do with time is essential.

I specifically can recall the exact moment I stopped hoping for what I wanted and started doing what I needed to. The split with my son's father was not amicable, in fact, it was quite messy. I was a mess. Delayed, crippling postpartum, mentally and emotionally exhausted and really just at my wits end. I know I was mean, I was bitchy, I was rude, I was ugly. I had moved back in with my parents, we discussed getting back on the same page and working on things and quickly with a social media post and a car I didn't recognize parked outside of what was still our home-I realized that was never going to happen. There was a shit ton of grief. I felt broken...shattered even. All I had ever wanted was to make a family and keep them together having seen so many broken marriages and families split.

I was in my room at my parent's sobbing my eyes out. My mom came in and lovingly but sternly told me,"Rae, you need to get your shit together. You have a beautiful baby boy that needs and depends on you. Its not healthy for him to see you like this and only YOU can pick yourself up and start over. He needs his mother. Start your day, put a face on...even if you don't want to. Take care of yourself because you can't be a good mom if you aren't taking care of you. I know it hurts baby but this is the a new beginning for you. You can do this."

With that, I was only with my parents for one month after my son's father and I split. I was officially on my own and have been for the last seven or eight years. I didn't like the idea of being a working single mom...knowing I would have to rely on daycare so I could earn a living to provide for us. My best friend was the only person I trusted with my son other than my parents. She is the closest thing I have to a sister and has been in my life for over a decade. She is the God-mother to my son and if I am ever in a pinch-I know she has my back. I love you L.

My Rock, My Sister-Truly separated at birth!

Another one of my girlfriends stepped up to assist me in the beginning and Lord have mercy is she a blessing. She is a sweet soul my soul can lean on, she has surprised me with groceries, she has always been supportive and no matter where she moves-she is near and dear to my heart. I love you K. Slowly, year by year, I cultivated the friendships with these women and made new connections. These women are more than just friendships...these women are my tribe.

It was hard opening up and allowing women to be there for me to lean on. I wanted to be a stronger than ever, independent, self-sufficient, confident, organized & all around bad-ass QUEEN! All those things are true...BUT do you know how BEAUTIFUL it is for women to work together? Do you know that society and media want to keep us at odds? Do you know the POWER behind co-parenting with your tribe? I could write and talk about this allllll.damn.day.

My Angel-no matter how far she is, shes always close to my heart

My tribe is my sound board. I consult each of them when I am facing something I am having trouble digesting. They are women that are able to be level headed and fairly unbiased. They are women who can tell me with honesty and my best interest in mind, their input and suggestions. This is HUGE to me. They don't all jump on the same bandwagon ready to shame, criticize, bad-mouth whomever or whatever I am dealing with. They don't judge me. I get encouragement and a balanced perspective that maybe I don't even have at the time. 

My tribe is a support system. These ladies are a text, email, phone call, Facebook message away and all I have to do is reach out. It could be a celebratory call, a call about my son, a call about my ex, a call about my family, a call about my boyfriend, a call just to call, a call to check on them, a call just because I need another female presence in my life at that moment. Its also not just phone calls-its dinner, lunch, coffee or cocktail dates. Time with or without children to lean on one another for support thru whatever we are navigating. Like a marriage-we are there for each other thru the good & the bad. We are consistent & we are supportive. 

This Magical Woman! She speaks to my soul and opens new corners of my heart and mind!

My tribe is a no-judgement zone. I can communicate my inner most thoughts, desires, anger & joy and I am not met with judgement or criticism. I'm completely open to being myself and sometimes my, self, isn't pretty...in fact, I can feel quite defeated, broken & completely disappointed in myself. These women not only pray for me...they remind me of my strength. They let me admit and accept my own truths without rubbing my face into it. That is so fucking important to me and I am so grateful this is the environment I've invested into to have around me. 

My tribe is honesty in its most loving form. There is a time for pitty parties but they are short lived. There is a time to realize a mistake or two was made but what do we do next? There is a time to feel betrayed and misled and we are there to pick one another up and reapply our lipstick. There is a time to be emotional because we are emotional creatures but we are Queens so how will we continue our rule? With my tribe-I've got a handful of amazing women whom always keep me honest and remind me I've got a backbone for a reason. Chin up buttercup, don't let the crown slip!

A best friend I didn't see coming & now I don't know what I would do without her

My tribe is more than a friendship. My tribe is a sisterhood. My tribe is unconditional. With the growth of this concept and the relationships that I came to NEED in my life...I came to realize that this love for and respect of my fellow woman began to pour over into everyday life. Its so damn beautiful to not only realize my own worth and value but to honor, respect, love and cherish the worth and value of all women! There is no room for jealousy or envy. As I quoted in my Defining "Queendom" post, Jill Scott said it PERFECTLY...

"We all have our own thing...that's the magic. That everybody comes with their own sense of strength & their own Queendom. Mine could never compare to hers & hers could never compare to mine."

There isn't a value I can put on my tribe. They are priceless & irreplaceable. I feel like my twenties were spent finding myself above all but also finding my tribe. The women I will continue to build with. The women I will raise my children with. The women I can lean on. The women I can honor everyday. The women that I hope will count on me the way I count on them. 

-R