There are five weeks until I will step foot on the islands of Hawai'i. I wish I could call them my home islands, but as you know, my parents avoided going "home" for most of my life. Now that I am a grown adult-I've also avoided them. I've avoided them mainly because of financial reasons. I've been unable to even fathom traveling as I've been busy raising my son. I've also avoided them because of how everyone else feels about me going home to Hawai'i.
For fear & concern of hurting my parents-Two people who have done the best they knew how to raise me and my younger brother. Two people who struggled but gave us an amazing childhood. Two people who where there to celebrate with me...stand me up, dust me off and push me back "out there" when things got rough. My mother whom has forgiven but obviously never forgotten. My father whom still plays the part of protector. They have said they know I am an adult and I will do as I please. I love them, respect them and want to live a good life to tell them "thank you" for everything they have done.
Pressure from my son's side of his family hasn't made traveling home any less anxiety-filled nor has it made processing my "relationship" with you any easier either. For whatever the reason, you have a relationship with these people. I have a tie to them, they are my son's family...They have been there every time his father isn't/wasn't or couldn't be. They have been there when my parents had done all they could but just didn't have the means. They have babysat last minute. They have called me crying because they were forbidden from seeing my son, but knew I wouldn't do that to them nor my boy. These people are wonderful... But I have the tie to them. I will support their relationship with my son. I fail to see why you have a relationship with them and I fail to understand why they think giving me their opinion about you is any of their business. I do hope & try to understand, although its not always easy, that some of them are coming from a loving place.
I've taken on a challenging role as my son's mother. Facilitating relationships with the extended family. Making sure that he sees that his mother supports his relationships with his dad, his dad's side of the family & that there is friendship there. Contrary to other's beliefs about me as a parent, I did learn and gain wisdom from my mother's choices & experiences. I have gained immeasurable wisdom on what I value as a parent and what I want my son to have growing up. I am doing my absolute best to maintain healthy relationships with those around me with the goal of raising my son to be the best he can be.
In every direction-its almost suffocating how loud everyone is-they all have ideas, opinions and wishes for what I would do...and I can't even think for myself. When I do have time to think about it or rather force myself to try and process anything, I think the most hurtful part of it all for me personally-is rarely, if ever-has anyone asked me what I want or how I feel about everything.
...Fast forward to today-Hawai'i has come & gone. I decided, what was best for me and my son, was to enjoy our first vacation as a two person family with the rest of my family-that I rarely get to see. I wish I could say that I was able to really relax and enjoy myself. Instead I was, by my own feelings, harassed about whether or not I would be taking my son to meet you. My belief system, my faith, my religion has been questioned more than I ever thought it would be. My intentions for my son and my integrity as a person has been questioned as well. I decided-with all of the complications my son already faces with his split family, with the emotional burden he carries and the responsibilities he has adopted-just from his environment...that this relationship, meeting you, could wait. Quite frankly, I believe meeting you(when it is time) myself is something that needs to take place first, before I introduce my son to you.
I have been able to process a little bit of my feelings, without the voice of anyone else, without the feelings of anyone else...and I can say this: When I pursued meeting you-I feel as though I was in a very vulnerable and immature emotional state. I feel as though I should've taken more time to process before I pursued a relationship with you. Its very difficult to make a connection with someone that you do not know and have hardly spoken on the phone to. I can say that I have no ill-will against you. I hold no anger, bitterness or resentment in my heart. You are human, as am I, and have done the best you can with what you were given. I will not & do not judge you for choices that you have made, you have that freedom.
I sincerely wish that I was allowed the same respect & freedom.
I understand that finally getting contact with a child you didn't get to be around is an emotional subject. I understand that its not fair to come in and out of someone's life. I also understand that situations like what I think we have, take time and the relationship is not built over night. In all honesty, its hard to think of what kind of relationship I could have with you. I have a daddy...a father. So what kind of relationship would or do we have? Not to mention, this all happened around the age of 20, I had my son around 22 & I've been a single parent, navigating raising my son since then...I don't mean to sound cruel but I've been a little busy.
Its tough because as I write this, I'd like to think that you could read this and know that my decisions have been purely selfish. My decisions and apprehension has been my journey and is in no way a personal attack or because of hurt feelings or anger toward you. Likewise, I wish I could talk to the other people who have involved themselves and draw that line, give that boundary...that this is a personal and private matter that doesn't require their assistance, opinion, threats or concern.
I'm not sure what the future holds...I'm not sure I am even doing what is ultimately right for me...I do know-I am doing the best I can, with what I have and that's just going to have to suffice for the time being...I hope to find closure and peace with this situation and all involved. I don't hold ill will, anger, resentment, bitterness over anything of the original past of our story. I am confused & hurt about the most current events as I am sure you are as well. It seems that I am the only one who is going to have concern over how I feel so I will continue to support myself in that aspect.
Pressure from my son's side of his family hasn't made traveling home any less anxiety-filled nor has it made processing my "relationship" with you any easier either. For whatever the reason, you have a relationship with these people. I have a tie to them, they are my son's family...They have been there every time his father isn't/wasn't or couldn't be. They have been there when my parents had done all they could but just didn't have the means. They have babysat last minute. They have called me crying because they were forbidden from seeing my son, but knew I wouldn't do that to them nor my boy. These people are wonderful... But I have the tie to them. I will support their relationship with my son. I fail to see why you have a relationship with them and I fail to understand why they think giving me their opinion about you is any of their business. I do hope & try to understand, although its not always easy, that some of them are coming from a loving place.
I've taken on a challenging role as my son's mother. Facilitating relationships with the extended family. Making sure that he sees that his mother supports his relationships with his dad, his dad's side of the family & that there is friendship there. Contrary to other's beliefs about me as a parent, I did learn and gain wisdom from my mother's choices & experiences. I have gained immeasurable wisdom on what I value as a parent and what I want my son to have growing up. I am doing my absolute best to maintain healthy relationships with those around me with the goal of raising my son to be the best he can be.
In every direction-its almost suffocating how loud everyone is-they all have ideas, opinions and wishes for what I would do...and I can't even think for myself. When I do have time to think about it or rather force myself to try and process anything, I think the most hurtful part of it all for me personally-is rarely, if ever-has anyone asked me what I want or how I feel about everything.
...Fast forward to today-Hawai'i has come & gone. I decided, what was best for me and my son, was to enjoy our first vacation as a two person family with the rest of my family-that I rarely get to see. I wish I could say that I was able to really relax and enjoy myself. Instead I was, by my own feelings, harassed about whether or not I would be taking my son to meet you. My belief system, my faith, my religion has been questioned more than I ever thought it would be. My intentions for my son and my integrity as a person has been questioned as well. I decided-with all of the complications my son already faces with his split family, with the emotional burden he carries and the responsibilities he has adopted-just from his environment...that this relationship, meeting you, could wait. Quite frankly, I believe meeting you(when it is time) myself is something that needs to take place first, before I introduce my son to you.
I have been able to process a little bit of my feelings, without the voice of anyone else, without the feelings of anyone else...and I can say this: When I pursued meeting you-I feel as though I was in a very vulnerable and immature emotional state. I feel as though I should've taken more time to process before I pursued a relationship with you. Its very difficult to make a connection with someone that you do not know and have hardly spoken on the phone to. I can say that I have no ill-will against you. I hold no anger, bitterness or resentment in my heart. You are human, as am I, and have done the best you can with what you were given. I will not & do not judge you for choices that you have made, you have that freedom.
I sincerely wish that I was allowed the same respect & freedom.
I understand that finally getting contact with a child you didn't get to be around is an emotional subject. I understand that its not fair to come in and out of someone's life. I also understand that situations like what I think we have, take time and the relationship is not built over night. In all honesty, its hard to think of what kind of relationship I could have with you. I have a daddy...a father. So what kind of relationship would or do we have? Not to mention, this all happened around the age of 20, I had my son around 22 & I've been a single parent, navigating raising my son since then...I don't mean to sound cruel but I've been a little busy.
Its tough because as I write this, I'd like to think that you could read this and know that my decisions have been purely selfish. My decisions and apprehension has been my journey and is in no way a personal attack or because of hurt feelings or anger toward you. Likewise, I wish I could talk to the other people who have involved themselves and draw that line, give that boundary...that this is a personal and private matter that doesn't require their assistance, opinion, threats or concern.
I'm not sure what the future holds...I'm not sure I am even doing what is ultimately right for me...I do know-I am doing the best I can, with what I have and that's just going to have to suffice for the time being...I hope to find closure and peace with this situation and all involved. I don't hold ill will, anger, resentment, bitterness over anything of the original past of our story. I am confused & hurt about the most current events as I am sure you are as well. It seems that I am the only one who is going to have concern over how I feel so I will continue to support myself in that aspect.
Until then...
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