The Letter

Dear R,

There are five weeks until I will step foot on the islands of Hawai'i. I wish I could call them my home islands, but as you know, my parents avoided going "home" for most of my life. Now that I am a grown adult-I've also avoided them. I've avoided them mainly because of financial reasons. I've been unable to even fathom traveling as I've been busy raising my son. I've also avoided them because of how everyone else feels about me going home to Hawai'i. 

For fear & concern of hurting my parents-Two people who have done the best they knew how to raise me and my younger brother. Two people who struggled but gave us an amazing childhood. Two people who where there to celebrate with me...stand me up, dust me off and push me back "out there" when things got rough. My mother whom has forgiven but obviously never forgotten. My father whom still plays the part of protector. They have said they know I am an adult and I will do as I please. I love them, respect them and want to live a good life to tell them "thank you" for everything they have done.

Pressure from my son's side of his family hasn't made traveling home any less anxiety-filled nor has it made processing my "relationship" with you any easier either. For whatever the reason, you have a relationship with these people. I have a tie to them, they are my son's family...They have been there every time his father isn't/wasn't or couldn't be. They have been there when my parents had done all they could but just didn't have the means. They have babysat last minute. They have called me crying because they were forbidden from seeing my son, but knew I wouldn't do that to them nor my boy. These people are wonderful... But I have the tie to them. I will support their relationship with my son. I fail to see why you have a relationship with them and I fail to understand why they think giving me their opinion about you is any of their business. I do hope & try to understand, although its not always easy, that some of them are coming from a loving place. 

I've taken on a challenging role as my son's mother. Facilitating relationships with the extended family. Making sure that he sees that his mother supports his relationships with his dad, his dad's side of the family & that there is friendship there. Contrary to other's beliefs about me as a parent, I did learn and gain wisdom from my mother's choices & experiences. I have gained immeasurable wisdom on what I value as a parent and what I want my son to have growing up. I am doing my absolute best to maintain healthy relationships with those around me with the goal of raising my son to be the best he can be.

In every direction-its almost suffocating how loud everyone is-they all have ideas, opinions and wishes for what I would do...and I can't even think for myself. When I do have time to think about it or rather force myself to try and process anything, I think the most hurtful part of it all for me personally-is rarely, if ever-has anyone asked me what I want or how I feel about everything. 

...Fast forward to today-Hawai'i has come & gone. I decided, what was best for me and my son, was to enjoy our first vacation as a two person family with the rest of my family-that I rarely get to see. I wish I could say that I was able to really relax and enjoy myself. Instead I was, by my own feelings, harassed about whether or not I would be taking my son to meet you. My belief system, my faith, my religion has been questioned more than I ever thought it would be. My intentions for my son and my integrity as a person has been questioned as well. I decided-with all of the complications my son already faces with his split family, with the emotional burden he carries and the responsibilities he has adopted-just from his environment...that this relationship, meeting you, could wait. Quite frankly, I believe meeting you(when it is time) myself is something that needs to take place first, before I introduce my son to you.

I have been able to process a little bit of my feelings, without the voice of anyone else, without the feelings of anyone else...and I can say this: When I pursued meeting you-I feel as though I was in a very vulnerable and immature emotional state. I feel as though I should've taken more time to process before I pursued a relationship with you. Its very difficult to make a connection with someone that you do not know and have hardly spoken on the phone to. I can say that I have no ill-will against you. I hold no anger, bitterness or resentment in my heart. You are human, as am I, and have done the best you can with what you were given. I will not & do not judge you for choices that you have made, you have that freedom. 

I sincerely wish that I was allowed the same respect & freedom. 

I understand that finally getting contact with a child you didn't get to be around is an emotional subject. I understand that its not fair to come in and out of someone's life. I also understand that situations like what I think we have, take time and the relationship is not built over night. In all honesty, its hard to think of what kind of relationship I could have with you. I have a daddy...a father. So what kind of relationship would or do we have? Not to mention, this all happened around the age of 20, I had my son around 22 & I've been a single parent, navigating raising my son since then...I don't mean to sound cruel but I've been a little busy.

Its tough because as I write this, I'd like to think that you could read this and know that my decisions have been purely selfish. My decisions and apprehension has been my journey and is in no way a personal attack or because of hurt feelings or anger toward you. Likewise, I wish I could talk to the other people who have involved themselves and draw that line, give that boundary...that this is a personal and private matter that doesn't require their assistance, opinion, threats or concern. 

I'm not sure what the future holds...I'm not sure I am even doing what is ultimately right for me...I do know-I am doing the best I can, with what I have and that's just going to have to suffice for the time being...I hope to find closure and peace with this situation and all involved. I don't hold ill will, anger, resentment, bitterness over anything of the original past of our story. I am confused & hurt about the most current events as I am sure you are as well. It seems that I am the only one who is going to have concern over how I feel so I will continue to support myself in that aspect. 

Until then...

Holiday Hang Over

In the most polite way I can say this...I am out of fucks to give...

My heart feels so heavy that I fear it may break and the emotional and mental stress has manifested into physical pain. To say that 2015 was a terrible year wouldn't be anywhere near the truth. I've learned, grown, developed and had the pleasure of making new friends as well as come across someone worth investing my time and effort into . I can say that 2015 has been challenging...every year really is as a single parent, however, this particular year ended with more turmoil, drama and sad realizations than I would ever care for. 

As far as the holidays go, they always stress me out. There are so many people that I love that I want to spend my time with, however the TIME to spend with all of them is nearly impossible. Then there is the issues of gifts...none of these people really care if they get gifts from me but I care! I like to come up with useful or thoughtful gifts and this year it was just extra stressful having taken a vacation at the beginning of December. The other part of gift giving is my son. Its not difficult to get gift ideas from my son, in fact, he came up with a list that had at least three columns this year. What is hard, is coming up with a gift that I can afford and that is more meaningful than 5 minutes worth of play time. 
Another reason I stress about the holidays is that there is a whole side of my son's family that I am not related to, but I do try and keep a respectful & healthy relationship with. Relationships within their family are not always good standing, as it is with any family...but I do my best to make sure my son gets to see everyone or at the very least that my son gets to see those who didn't get to see him. This year seemed to have more drama than in other years.  
Funny thing about split families is having to remember that not all issues require my attention. This year that fact was made evident. I will not say that I am perfect and I will not badmouth anyone. I will only speak on my behalf that being the bigger person is a challenge when your role as a parent and your integrity are constantly under attack. 
The other funny thing about split families, that I have concluded anyway, is that it is perfectly fine to be selfish. I've found that part of my turmoil in this particular season of my life is that I have made myself too available and over-extended myself a little too much. That's not to say that the other people involved have any ill-intentions...my own feelings are that I need to work a little more on self-preservation and that I should & can be a little more selfish. I think I make more than a fair share of effort into fostering a healthy relationship with the other half of my son's family. I'd like to think that we have respect for one another and have all set my son as the priority in fostering this relationship.

Now to get very raw...

The other half of my son's family, his grandmother, his aunt's & uncle's, etc. all have good intentions & they are good people. They have been truly supportive of me as the mother of their grandson/nephew & have done as any family member would do in supporting their family member-my son's father. I have never felt personally attacked by these people, although they may not always agree with the my parenting and the relationship I have with my son's father. This is all part of being a split family but working together, as best as we can, for the sake of the child. This family is much different than what I grew up with. Their dynamic is polar opposite of what my family dynamic is. They get together frequently, they are close in all of their relationships and they are very open and honest. 
I think it goes without saying that all families are different and that I have both love for my son's family and mine as well. 
My son's father and grandmother have their reasons that are unknown to me and they have old ideas of my position on my biological father. To sum up my feelings without going too far into detail that may be best saved for another post-I have a daddy. I grew up with him showing me how to play sports, wiping my tears away when I played a little too hard and showing me the sweet spot on the back of a guy's arm if they got too close. Sure I knew of my biological father and I can say I wasn't emotionally or mentally mature, nor was I really in a good place, to pursue knowing him when I did. Its tough to build any kind of relationship with a stranger, let alone, a stranger that I don't trust. 
Circling back around to my son's family members...they feel it necessary to involve themselves in this part of my life. To the point that I feel harassed & bullied, if I am honest. How do you gently and lovingly tell someone that the only area of your life that is somewhat of their business is our son and her grandson? How do you lovingly tell someone that they are successfully pushing you away from the relationship that is none of their business in the first place? I'm sure that they have good intentions. I can't even say where or what my biological father may be thinking or feeling. I can only speak on how I'm feeling.
That being ONE issue that I feel truly harassed & bullied about, hurt over and betrayed...
The other major issue that I have been struggling with is finding balance in fostering a positive and encouraging relationship with my son's father and his girlfriend and being supportive and protective of my son. It seems impossible and a repetitive downward spiral of never ending drama. There is not a single thing that I can do that isn't offensive or impeding on their parenting and their relationship. I feel like my name, my role, my relationship with my son is constantly under attack...both by what is said in front of my son, to my son and even smeared across social media. It makes me sick to be honest. I've spoken to several friends and family members that have gone thru having split families and they all tell me the same thing. It takes time, selfless support and communication. I'm being as patient as I can while working on anything I can do on my end to make this work.

Then there is my family...

Ugh, this is going to be hard to write.

My parents have always done the best they could for us kids to make sure we had everything we needed and were decent, functioning members of society. I have always viewed my dad as being a knight in shining armor for encouraging my mom to get out of her situation, my mom's best friend, a man that provided for his family and was always there for us all. I have always viewed my mom as a woman of incredible strength, selflessness and independence. They weren't happy with my relationship with my son's father and not for the person he was but in the things he lacked in our relationship & when we became parents. They were being protective as any parent would be and when we broke up, they were there to help me get on my feet without enabling me. I am forever grateful for their role as my parents and for their unconditional love & support of me and my son. I am able to look at them and know they are doing the best they can with what they have so I do not fault them at all. 
What I do feel is frustration and hurt. I feel mourning for a deeper, closer relationship that seems as though it isn't probable. The emotions I felt in Hawaii were quite overwhelming. It was my first vacation with my son, we were in a condo with my parents and my grandmother and we were getting 7 days with my family that I hadn't seen in 8 years. I had anxiety of being in close quarters with people that we generally don't spend much time with. I had bittersweet feelings of being around all my family that I hadn't seen in forever. Bittersweet because I was overjoyed to be with them and sad knowing my time was short. I had the debacle of enjoying my son and our first vacation while handling the stress coming all the way from Arizona. The struggle I am having is knowing how to find peace with my family's dynamic because it seems like it is very much out of my control. 
I can understand and appreciate that my parents may not know how to have a close relationship with their children. I don't know how to start that conversation. I'm fearful that nothing will change. I feel like my energies would be better focused in accepting my parents for who they are, appreciating what I can and moving forward without that closeness that I so desire. It sounds cold and I hate that. I feel like I am on the fence. I could try to talk about it or I could just accept it for what it is and move on. As for the rest of my family, there is only so much one can do to stay close or to try and improve the relationship and its hard because we are all in different states. I can say, that my relationship with my brother is the best its ever been. 

So this all is how I have been feeling from each event that occurred between the middle of November to the New Year holiday. I feel like there wasn't really time to process anything so that is what I am doing now. There is a lot of reflection, processing and meditating happening. The best way I could describe it, is as a holiday hang over. I know there is purpose in all of this happening. I know there is a reason it all happened when it did. I am also so very grateful for the people I have been able to confide in and lean on. 2015 wasn't a terrible year-it happened just as it should. I have gratitude for all I experienced and even for the turmoil of the end of the year. 2016 is going to be a good year...I know it in my heart. I am open to receiving any and all blessings this year has for me. I am also open to all lessons and experiences I will have. I am actively working toward more peace. I am participating in self preservation in choosing to be a little more selfish and a little less selfless. I am continuing this evolution to Queendom. 

Hau'oli Makahiki Hou.