This list just seemed like something self reflective that I would enjoy putting into writing. Things for me are always changing, evolving & adjusting. I am always changing, evolving and adjusting...
I like to take time to think about what has recently happened since I spend so much time worrying about what is to come. There is little control in both mind spaces. One has already happened and cannot be changed while the other has yet to happen. Nonetheless, the self reflection is important to me. It keeps me humble. It allows me to celebrate growth and see where I am still learning to befriend parts of me I have been pushing away or ignoring.
Anyway, here is my list:
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| Sushi Date for One |
1. Never stop dating...YOURSELF-the ultimate, regular practice of self love. I've learned to treat myself to little dates every now and again AND to not feel guilty or bad for doing something for myself. As a mother, I spend a lot of time planning, budgeting, cleaning and I do not owe an explanation to anyone for enjoying a moment for myself. Manicures, Pedicures, Solo Dinner Dates, Movies, Shopping, Coffee...whatever I'm feeling!
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| My First Succulent Arrangement |
2. Keep learning-Expand my horizons. Explore new hobbies. Growth to me is living, if I am not growing spiritually, physically, emotionally, mentally...I am dying(maybe a little extreme, but it is-what it is). I am definitely a woman of many skills and I drop interests as fast as I pick them up. Sometimes I am a little indifferent as to whether this is a good thing or a bad. I still enjoy the spark that comes with a new passion. The most recent passion I am in love with-Succulent Arrangements!
3. Feed Every Part of Me on a Regular Basis-Balance is hard as it is. I juggle a lot as a parent and keeping balance is something I am still learning to maintain. Mind, body & soul are the trifecta to balance in my opinion. I can easily say I am lacking in all three areas currently. I'm learning to be mindful of what I feed myself as well. I do not allow myself to binge watch any form of TV and have started to build up a book list that I intend to make my way thru. I am learning to work on my relationship with food with the sole purpose to be healthy. Its all still a huge work in progress and I have more than my fair share of bad days but every day is a new opportunity to start fresh.
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| Wisdom |
4. Stop Apologizing for My Feelings-My feelings are valid. They may be a result of a misinterpretation or misunderstanding but they are valid nonetheless. I am allowed to feel disrespected, protective, violated and attacked. I am allowed to feel proud, vulnerable, overwhelmed and sexy. I am allowed to be emotional. I can feel all of these things and I do not have to apologize for them nor do I have to be "Little Miss Sunshine".
5. Trust my Intuition-My gut is pretty smart....it might not be balanced right now but its definitely told me when to change the subject, when to choose respect and kindness over anger, when a date was no good and when to take chances. I feel I am too wise at this point to try and convince my gut otherwise when I know, deep down, that something doesn't work for me.
6. To Get Something I want, I have to do Something I've Never Done-The first time I've really thoroughly done this has been in the relationship I am in now. I know its so much more applicable and useful for other areas of my life but its truly worked in my relationship. Learning to really invest in what the end goal or bigger picture is has never paid off so well-I just need to apply this to other areas of my life I am working on now!
7. Remember that I am Worthy of the Same Unconditional Love I Extend to My Circle-I have no problem talking up my girlfriends and guy friends. I can easily point out what I love about them. I do my best to show up for them when they need me and offer to be there for them when they are going thru something. Why this is not so easy to do for myself, is still a bit of a mystery but I am working on it! I know I see myself differently than anyone else will but I want to see myself and treat myself with the same unconditional love I extend to the people in my life.
8. Comparison is the Root of All Evil-We all do it but I'll speak for myself. There is a quote that says something along the lines of "Don't compare your first page with someone's final chapter". I do it all the time. I look at the highlight real of someone's life and instantly think I am ten years behind where I should be. I've been working on setting goals and removing the projected checklist of life. I am a thirty year old single mother whom is in my first serious relationship in eight years and that is okay. I follow some mom vloggers & bloggers. They are married, divorced and single. They layer on make-up, they get cosmetic surgery, they over organize and manage their own businesses. Sometimes I see their social media and I want to cry feeling like I have done nothing with my life.
The purpose of this blog was for me to write about my journey to embracing all that I am as I navigate life. Comparing my story to anyone else's is sabotaging my success and my journey in my evolution to queendom! These ladies are not competition, they are not the bar or standard...they are Queens just as I am!
9. Unsolicited Advice is Expected, Not Accepted-My parents were right about a lot of things but especially right about opinions/advice to be specific. They have always said, "Opinions are like assholes, everyone has one" and "If they don't sleep next to you at night or sign your paycheck, their opinion doesn't matter". This couldn't be more true! Opinions and unsolicited advice comes from all directions. When it comes down to it-I do the best I can, with what I have. I make the best decisions I can as a mother & as an independent woman. People tend to involve themselves in things that do not concern them and a lot of the time they are just trying to be helpful. I stopped accepting everything people say to me. Some of it is useful...some of it is offensive & bullshit quite honestly. I'll listen and the freedom of speech is a beautiful thing, however, my life is mine and I am responsible for a little boy...in the end, its my call.
10. Quality is ALWAYS Better Than Quantity-This applies to so many areas of life! I'm a firm believer that the people around me are a direct reflection of the person I am. I am surrounded by some of the most amazing people! It was hard losing some friends and realizing the truth of my relationship with family but I wholeheartedly love my circle. As far as other areas of life-quality isn't always affordable but when I can invest into my home, I do. My home is my sanctuary-a place I want to feel peace and comfort. I'm feeling less and less like a 20-something and more like a real adult these days(How ridiculous does that sound?). I find I am enjoying quiet dinners/drinks with girlfriends and afternoons spent arranging succulent gardens instead of spending money on things I don't need. Quality of life has a whole new meaning at thirty years old.
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| Love Making Memories! County Fair, 2016 |
11. Responding is Different Than Reacting-This is not something new to me. I know the difference. What has been learned or what I am practicing is speaking words that have purpose and are a response and not meaningless banter that is a reaction. I do not like surface conversations. I do not like being topical with people or my relationships. I do not like to give advice that is pleasing to the ear but careless of the heart. I do not like to smile at someone when I was giving them the side eye before I made eye contact. Words with purpose and genuine connection is the kind of relationships I want to cultivate.
12. Be Present-In an age when we are all so consumed with electronic devices and social media, I am glad that I can recognize that my relationships and memories are priceless. I am guilty of checking my phone while I am having dinner with my son. I tend to jump into picture mode when I am amongst friends. I like to record things like my son's concerts, performances and competitions. I'm always reminding myself to be present...again, quality.
13. Don't Feel Bad About Trimming The Fat-No I am not talking about fitness nor am I talking about a good looking steak. For a while in my twenties, I felt guilt was the anchor that held me in a lot of my relationships. As I've aged...it could be because I've gained some wisdom, it could be because I just care about my own happiness more these days....nevertheless I have learned that I don't have to be friends or have a relationship with anyone that I don't want to. I can love people from a distance. I can accept whom a person is and decide that they don't need to be directly involved with my life. I can "trim the fat" to make room for things and relationships that help me develop and grow. To make room for things and relationships that nurture me versus weighing me down.
14. Be Yourself & Madly in Love with YOU-I'm just starting to grasp this feeling. I guess you could say its a combination of a few of the previous points I've made in this post. There is a quote that says something along the lines of "Say too much, Feel too much, Do too much because tomorrow is never guaranteed".
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| Unapologetically! |
15. Fucking Let.It.Go-Sorry I'm not sorry. The F-bomb emphasis was needed! Let go of control. Let go of needing to do & be EVERYTHING for everyone. Let go of the preconceived notions you were raised with. EXPAND your everything! FUCKING LET IT GO!
16. Love that body girl, Love it HARD-When I was in the process of delivering my son, I developed an infection. I had 4-5 IV's in each arm, I was blue and I was shaking uncontrollably. I had an epidural but was still wheeled off to have an emergency C-Section as I had pulminary edema and mild heart failure. Out came our beautiful blueberry of a boy and nothing was found that caused my infection. I ate my way thru my relationship issues while I was pregnant. Again I ate afterward thru additional relationship issues and my postpartum depression. All together-I gained 70lbs in my pregnancy and still carry 40lbs of that weight. I have stretch marks galore, in fact I joke that I have a road map on my stomach.
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| Define what your beautiful is and be it! |
17. Don't Get Bitter, Get Better-One of the most beautiful quotes a friend shared with me was by Maya Angelou "Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better." Mistakes happen and trust me when I say I've made a fair share. Through the counseling I sought and thru the time I took to truly heal...I gained the wisdom that mistakes do not define who we are. I could be bitter & angry that I had made mistakes. I could blame others for the mistakes. I could even let those experiences shape me into an ugly person. Those choices don't allow me to grow and thrive. They are shackles and thats not who I want to be. Whatever has happened, happened and I learned an immense lesson from it all. I used those experiences to extend kindness, love & compassion for others. I used times I was weak to recognize where I could be strong and where it was okay to stand up for myself. Rather than getting bitter, it was time to pull up the panties and get BETTER than ever before!
18. Say What Needs To Be Said-People who know me have said that I have a way about being honest without being mean. Something I have to remind myself of, is that I am & will always be a recovering codependent. I am a people-pleaser and I tend to put other's needs above my own. I will bend over backwards to make sure other's are taken care of. The disadvantage of being a codependent person is, I rarely speak up for myself. I rarely say what needs to be said on my behalf. I know what I need, what I'm lacking, what I could use but rarely will you see me letting anyone know. Its very possible to draw the line in the sand, create the boundaries, voice my opinions and feelings without being an outspoken, rude person. Needless to say, this is something I have acknowledged and am still working on.
19. Responsibility Sucks But Its Better Than The Other Option(s)- Ok, so #Adulting is a real thing. People truthfully brag about being able to function as an adult and I have to say, sometimes I feel worthy of bragging about that as well. That being said...being a responsible "does-the-right-thing" person...is LAME. Its tough as hell, for me-personally, to always have to be the bigger person who considers what I know to be true and what I know will fall through. Its absolutely no fun and sometimes I wish I could take risks and be careless. Truth be told, being responsible, dependable & accountable is the ONLY way I would want to live my life. Its the ONLY way I have been able to build the life that I have and to remain independent as a single parent.
20. Bad Times Don't Last, Good People Do- I know some pretty spectacular people. Something that is common across the board is that these people have gone through their fair share of bad crap. Thats true for myself as well. Just yesterday, I was driving thinking of some of the stuff I experienced with my ex and I began to compare it to what I have going on now. Its not been easy. Its been really freaking hard & heavy at times. BUT....I'm still here. I'm still fighting. I'm persevering. I'm weathering the storm. It might hit me hard, but it will not last.
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| Sabino Canyon, Tucson, AZ |
21. Take Time To Really Stop And Appreciate Your Surroundings- Probably a week ago, Monsoon season was in full effect here in Tucson and my son and I were looking at the clouds, calling out what we saw. I can't remember the last time I stopped long enough to do that. Just now, a coworker took the time to stop and admire a painting in our lobby...I don't know that I've ever done that and I've worked here 6 years. Sometimes, not often enough, I'll stop listening to my friend and I get this overwhelming emotion of appreciation for them. I always tell them when I get that feeling. I've done the same thing in my home. In the rare moment that there is silence and I stop long enough to look around and appreciate what I've built. Practicing this has added so much gratitude to my life.
22. Speaking of Taking Time-Take Time to Stand in Front of The Mirror Naked- This may sound weird but I mean it literally. How often to you look at yourself in the nude and appreciate your body for what it is & what its done? Have you ever stood looking at yourself long enough to love your stretch marks and any extra "love"(Aka extra pounds) that you may have? When is the last time you have stopped long enough to appreciate the curves and lines of your body instead of wishing them away and thinking of how you can correct it? These are questions I ask myself because I'm not there yet. I still have really bad days...BUT I am getting there. I am making the conscious effort to love this body of mine as its not perfect but its serving me well and I want to treat it as best as I can.
23. Make Time, Not Excuses- I can be incredibly selfish with my time. In fact, I had to rearrange my habits of going to bed late and waking up late to the polar opposite so I could actually get ready in the morning and get a decent amount of sleep(Hello-I'm only 30 years old!). Its so easy for me to say that I am just too tired after we go thru our nightly routine. I can say I don't have time because of all that I juggle but when I really prioritize and use my time wisely-its amazing how much I can get done AND how much time I have for those that I love!
24. Boundaries, 'Nuff Said- Theres a saying along the lines of "People treat us the way we let them" and yes I am not taking the time to look up exactly what it says. The bottom line is, I teach people how to treat me by what I allow. There are some people that it is easier to create boundaries than it is for others. Frustration and resentment can very easily come from not setting boundaries with someone. I remind myself of two things...One, it doesn't have to be awkward & if it is-so be it & two, "no" is a complete sentence.
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| Apple Annies Orchard & Pumpkin Patch, Willcox, AZ |
25. Precious Moments Are Priceless- I realize I'm getting to an age where its very possible I could lose my parents. Just last week I got news a classmate had passed away. My son is rapidly growing from a boy to a young man. Friends are always moving away & evolving(and of course I am happy for them). I don't always have money to go out to eat. I don't always have time to spare. A lot of the time I am exhausted and want to retreat to my home and shut out the world. I resist doing that as often as I'm able because Life.Is.Short. I don't want to miss an opportunity to spend time with the ONLY grandmother I have left. I want to see my parents and I want my son to see my parents as often as possible. I take my son to see his father's family because they ALL live here. I may be short on my attention span, energy or time but if I can make a baby shower, a lunch date, a wine night or a coffee date with any of my friends-I will do my best to be there. When my son asks me to sit down and color or to do a puzzle together-I take those moments because soon enough...he will be a teenager and want nothing to do with me until he is in his 30s! I remind myself to make the plans, to attend the functions...whatever it is, because we only get these moments for so long and then they are missed opportunities...I'd rather have memories!
26. Give people the space & grace to tell their story-There is so much going on in the world today and we are divided, as a world, in so many different directions. I want to give people the space to express themselves. I want to give people the grace, empathy and compassion to hear their side. It doesn't mean I have to start following, agreeing, doing-anything that I don't myself agree with BUT I do want to create a safe space. A safe space is my goal. I have a son who will learn from how I treat others and I want to "walk that walk, and talk that talk". It is so important to me to love others, no matter our differences. I can't say I am a professional at this and that I don't have problematic relationships because I do but I am working on it and myself, all the time.
27. Follow the old saying, "If you don't have anything nice to say..."- Number 26 on my list is about allowing people the room to tell their story and have their opinion. In the time I've had to myself since my son's father and I split...one of the most wonderful lessons I learned is the gift of mindfulness. I am not perfect by any means. I have my flaws and less than nice things to say about certain people and topics. I do however, practice, my choice of words & how I express those opinions in the most loving way possible. There is a difference between expressing my opinion and expressing my feelings on a topic. I want to add to the conversation and the dialogue, not push people away from the discussion.
28. When It Comes To Your Happiness, Take Chances- I've always been a person who enjoys learning, hearing other people's stories and taking from those stories what I liked or what spoke to me and adopted it into my life. I firmly believe we are not what has happened to us but what we chose to be afterward. We define ourselves, we are in charge with the happiness and satisfaction we have in this lifetime. I've been in this rut where I know I want change but I'm not sure how to go about it. Circumstances are a part of life, but they are not the "be all, end all" of it. A very close friend of mine has shown me that by taking chances, stepping outside of our comfort zones and trying something-there is ALWAYS a reward. A lesson learned, happiness gained & fear conquered. Its not easy as fear is very real and circumstances are not always easy to navigate but I look forward to stepping out of my comfort zone more often to find my bliss, gain true & genuine happiness and to develop as a person.
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| Rebuilding yourself |
29. The More You Know, The Less You Have To Say- I believe in communication being an art. I've developed, matured & grown in many areas of my life but I feel one in particular has been communication. I also believe that knowledge is power. I think that shutting the world out & refusal to listen to another person's opinion, outlook or beliefs is really only hurting myself. I choose compassion and tolerance because someone could give me perspective or understanding that I didn't have before. I believe that in choosing to speak with purpose, I can say more with fewer words.
30. Money is Money is Money- Money. I can't live with it, I can't live without it. When it comes down to it-I fucked myself when it came to my credit and I had a kid...both with an irresponsible person. That being said, money is scarce. I am blessed with a great job. I have worked out a system where my son can go and do fun things at school and in summer programs to take care of the time that I am at work. I have worked out an arrangement for the times I can't afford camp because my friends are family and they LOVE my son. But money...
I'm 30, about to be 31, and I still don't have it figured out. I wish I did, but I don't and I'm working on it damn it. If I could go back and tell 20 year old me what to do...well I would have a LOT to tell her BUT one of the main things I would make sure to let younger me understand is that screwing myself over financially is a heavier burden than I care to bear at this age now. And its NOT worth it. I wish I could say that I went places and saw things and had experiences with the debt I have but I didn't. I feel as though I could be a better mother if I had better credit and had I been better with my finances. Its a lesson I am still learning and I hope to break patterns and cycles because this ride is NOT fun ladies and gentlemen.
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So there you have it! 30 lessons I have learned by the time I was 30 AND right before I turn 31! So many lessons I am sure I didn't recall or think about and I am positive there will be more in the next decade that are worth mentioning if I should choose to do another one of these posts!
-R
