I'm sitting here taking some time to reflect on what happened & my heart is sad. Reflecting on my parenting is important to me. As the saying goes, "there is no handbook to Parenting...". I know my parents did the best they could and figured things out along the way. I'm open to all the parenting advice anyone wants to offer and do my best to remain open when people cross into sensitive territory with their unsolicited parenting advice.
Something I don't like to openly admit to....Being a single parent is hard. REALLY.FUCKING.HARD. I am the good guy, the bad guy, the unbiased mom when he needs to or wants to vent about his dad or things that happen at their house, the nurse, the doctor, the band-aid brigade, the cook, the maid, the laundry attendant, the personal taxi, the source of money and toys, the handy-woman, the toy repairer...all on my own.
Don't get me wrong-when I need help(desperately), I ask. My parents, my son's other grandmother-as well as my son's aunt, uncle and his tia, they are all amazing when it comes to assisting me with school uniforms, a new backpack & lunch box, shoes, non-school clothes and spoiling my son with everything he could ever hope for.
My son's father's family includes us on dinner dates, birthday parties and takes my son on family vacations. Hell, I have even been invited on a family vacation that I ended up backing out of to attempt to save money for the trip to Hawai'i. I am forever grateful for everyone who has attempted to help me and my son whether we needed it or just because they wanted to make things a little easier on me.
Now the "all on my own" statement. I keep hope that someday, SOME-FUCKING-DAY, my son's father and I will be on friendly terms. We will be able to chat, even just for a couple minutes, at the pick up/drop off of our son. We will be able to have discussions vs arguments about what is best for our son. We will be able to call one another and making parenting time adjustments with ease and be able to negotiate schedule conflicts without fighting or hanging on up the other parent.
Right now(aka all of my son's life-8yrs), we aren't there.
I can whole-heartedly admit that the first few years were hard for me. I was adjusting to being a newly single parent, adjusting to my son's father being in and out of relationships and those people being around my son. Healing needed to take place amongst every day struggles, financial issues and it was difficult but I did the best that I knew how. I can admit I was mean, a little too rigid when it came to being flexible with the parenting time and I made all my decisions not out of spite, but out of trying to be a good mother.
From my perspective-my son's father & his girlfriend do not care for me. Not.one.bit. My son's father and I were done 7- years ago and have only ever addressed possibly getting back together once & it was hard, but I did get over the end of our relationship while making peace with the fact that my family would fall into today's standard-another broken family. I took the time to process all I had done and all that was done to me so I could forgive myself, forgive him without the apology I thought I deserved and to finally take the step to offer him my apology. I thought or at least hoped that he would do the same and we would be able to move forward as co-parents and possibly friends. You would think that would be possible of two people whom have known one another since kindergarten.
I took into account that my son's father probably had a lot of bad things to say about me to his girlfriend. When I learned they moved in together, I addressed the fact that I needed to accept that another woman would be in my son's life. I knew she was a mother and I figured we could relate and respect one another in that aspect. I thought maybe she would be the bridge between my son's father and I-that she could aid us in our relationship. I quickly learned that we wouldn't have the relationship I had hoped we could have.
I can only be responsible for myself and how I choose to process experiences and move forward. All of this being said, I feel as though every choice I make for myself and my son is taken as a personal attack on my son's father, on his career, on his girlfriend or on their little family. I have been accused of trying to cut my son's father out of our son's life. I have been accused of trying to sabotage his career. I have been accused of keeping our son from his father. I have been accused of pursuing a relationship with his family behind his back to get them to favor me over him. I have been bad mouthed to and in front of my child.
My son has come home to accuse me of doing things I haven't done, but hes been convinced otherwise.
My son has told me he doesn't know if he can trust that I am being honest with him because of the things that are said about me. What makes it all worse, is I feel as though, they take out their frustrations with me on my son. He complains of being neglected and treated differently than the other children in the house. He complains about mistreatment he receives from his dad's girlfriend. He isn't allowed to call me when he is with them. Hes not allowed to talk about me or say that he loves me and is forced to call his father's girlfriend "mom" or receive physical punishment.
I am only one person. I am his mother and I don't feel its right to try and compensate for the fact that his father and I are not together. I don't feel its right to try and compensate for the shortcomings of his relationship with his dad and his dad's girlfriend. I do, however, wish that my son wasn't affected the way he is because we can't co-parent. I wish he had a strong relationship with his dad. I wish that he and his dad's girlfriend were able to get along. I wish that for the sake of our son and the other kids, we were all able to get along. I wish that when something negative happens in my son's father's life-I wouldn't be accused. This is what makes my life as a single parent-hard.
I aim to improve my relationship with my son everyday. I look for better ways for both of us to communicate. I try to find ways for us to spend time together that are not common. I can say that I had to give up on trying to assist my son's father and my son in their relationship. I felt as though I wasn't supporting my son in all he is navigating with his father. I wish I could say I was actively trying to improve my relationship with my son's father but that takes two people and I feel like I am doing all I can. I could be wrong-I share my experiences with others that I trust to tell me when I am being unreasonable.
The other people and parts of my son's life is what makes it hard. I can't control them, I can't control what they say or how they treat him. I can't say that I don't want my boy left with the older kids while his dad and the girlfriend go out. I can't say that my son should have his own space in a household with two teenage girls. I can't say that my son should be able to grow his hair out and express himself through his style choices without being ridiculed and made fun of for acting "gay".
It's not always easy but I'm reminding myself I have every reason to be confident in my parenting and my relationship with my son. All research I've done and anyone I've talked to-suggests that it just takes time. I am blessed beyond measure to have the support system that I do. I have the love of friends that are more like family that are there anytime we need them and show up for my son as often as they can. I have the love of a man who accepts us and is excited to have a relationship with my son. Whether or not it gets better for my son at least I can say, in full confidence, that I will show up for him, stand up for him and support him until my last breath.
